IT's COMING!!!!

oh boy! oh boy! i just love Christmastime!! It really hasn't felt very much like Christmas, but i still love this time of year!

The final clue is this...this person holds a place in my heart that no one else every will be able to hold. I am blessed watching him/her mature into the person God has created them to be!

Yesterday...oh boy. Well, it wasn't that great. I mean the morning really was. Church, I sung Breath of Heaven...but the afternoon, it was just a really big test! and I'd like to say i passed with flying colors, but i passed by going to sleep. and letting it all go. and i feel better now. Friends and family keep me grounded! I could tell you song after song after song, of reminders to me from dear friends. Here are some lyrics:

"There are times when you feel that you can't go on.
There are times when you feel like giving in.
There are times when you feel like you can't try anymore.
There are times of trouble in believing

This test of faith will last, as long as it takes to pass.
Till you have no more doubt you'll endure
And your faith will emerge true and pure

No doubt it will all work out..." No Doubt by Petra

"the light at the end has faded away
one terror after another
somewhere in the fire
the embers of faith
will burn through tomorrow
you’re breathing

it’s worth the pain
God’s in the rain
it’s not too late to start again
it’s worth the pain
so hold on tonight

your passionate eyes try to explain
all the blindness you’re feeling
the six feet of lies exposed in His fire
resurrecting your sunrise
you’re breathing

there’s grace
when you’re at your wit’s end
begging for it
He’ll take you by the hand
there’s grace" Worth the Pain by Disciple

And there are so many other songs that people have shared, or that God has had me listen to...too many to count. But this is what's that the bottom of all of them.

There is pain. There is gonna be pain. Pain doesn't mean you're doing something wrong; in fact, you're probably doing something right. At least you haven't closed your heart. You can still feel--even if it's pain. And God is faithful. Always faithful. And I've come back to that again and again. Abba is a faithful God. There will be an end. I promise. I've been there. I am there. but it will end. it always does. Keep pressing on. Keep feeling. Keep living.

I had a really bad day last week, and was venting to God as i ran. And i came to this deep fear that I didn't think i had. A fear so deep down and hidden i wanted to disown it as soon as it surfaced. but this is what i said to God.
"Abba! you've been faithful over and over. and i know you've picked me up again and again. And i know that you've always been with me. but when is this gonna run out?? when are you gonna get sick of picking me up again and again?? When is it gonna be the last time? the time you get so fed up with me acting so selfish?"

"Oh my child. I never will get "fed up" with you. I'm never gonna leave you. I'm never gonna just let you stay on the ground. i promise you this: I am always gonna be here for you. Whatever it takes. However long it takes. I will be here."

Remain Strong my friends. :)

"If God brings you to it, He'll bring you thru it."

Abba is faithful. Always.

I am reminded of a song that says, "You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again. I'm holding your hand."

And He always is. What an awesome God we serve! I mean really, how can we not be amazed at the glory of God?!?!

Yesterday, in church, I was reading Isaiah 55:8-12:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish... so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace..."

It is just an awesome reminder of the love of my father! Which is abundant, and overflowing! I don't have to understand. And really if I was in control it wouldn't be as good. So just relax. Enjoy! God is in control. And his thoughts and plans are way better than mine!

Dare. To. Dream. Big!

P.S. oh yah. I guess you want another clue...:P

Clue #3--This person is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

clue #2

this person isn't the youngest member of our family...

And i know this really doesn't have anything to do with christmas but..

I love my Miss Mollie Rose. i think about how much she has improved from the first time we got her! She used to whine multiple times in the night, and had lots of "accidents" in the house, and need attention and love all the time. She could go up or down stairs. She didn't listen that well. Now she sleeps in my room, she makes me laugh all the time, she goes the the door when she needs to potty. she still loves attention, but is much better at just laying down near us (instead of ON TOP OF US!) she loves going up and down the stairs (and we sometimes make her for a nice little work out). She sleeps thru the night. she loves spending time with me even if she's just in the hall while i get ready for church. She does the cutest things. I am so thankful that I have my little doggie! She truly is a joy in my life! and she understands me! (really! she does!)

it's beinging to look a lot like christmas :D

IT'S DECEMBER!!! and our tradition is to draw names between the five of us kids. guess who i got?!? let's play a guessing game. Clue #1--it's not me ;)

Christmas is on it's way! I really can't believe it. I seems like only a few months ago that I was here again. As i looked thru my journal from last year, I was reading about how the story of Mary really effected me last year. It's such a glorified position; the mother of the savior. And yet, Mary was probably not any older than me (in fact she was probably younger) and she didn't have great living conditions. And to surrender to the plans that God had for her, meant that she became an outcast among her friends. Among the things and people and places that were her home, her security, her life. We can easily see the whole story; how if she submitted, she would play a major role in the redemption of the world. That everything would work out. That she would marry Joseph. No, I really don't think that she could see where this was going. She probably saw her life flash before her eyes! I mean, this random angel appearing is was like, "yo! Mary! God wants you for his plans. you've been chosen by god to become the mother of his son!"
"Ah....you know what the penalty for this is?!?!?! death by stoning!! I have no husband to provide for me! And if i become the mother of a son that i say is God's son, people are gonna think I'm crazy, and no man will have me as his wife!...sounds like a plan! I'm in! I'll do it!"

I mean, the nerve of this young lady! She completely shook the status quo! God didn't drag her kicking and screaming into his plans, he gave her the choice, and she said "yes."that's it. and then she just had to trust. God knew how it was gonna turn out. but did she know? I doubt it. I bet it was really difficult. but she stood but against it because she knew this was her calling. it was something God asked her to do. And she knew that all she had to do was trust. that was it. trust. and she was blessed. she held the savior of the world as a baby! And the plan that God laid out upon her life included pain, physical but also mental pain. she watched her baby die on a tree. but she still followed. she still trusted. and she knew what was at risk when she said yes. but she did.

It just amazes me. The stakes were high. The battle was hard. The dark was so black. The condemnation was pressing. and yet she dared to follow the plan, she dared to just say "yes."

We don't have to see, to trust. We don't have to understand, to trust. We don't have to hear, to trust. We don't have to feel, to trust. We don't have to control it, to trust. We don't have to "work it all out", to trust. We don't have to fully believe that it will work out, to trust. We don't have to see the end, to trust. But we have to trust. Trust. Believe that God will work it out. Hope for the best. Dare to dream big. Dare to go against the norm. Dare to go against the flow. Dare to shake things up. Trust. Doing what's our calling is blindly, and when it doesn't feel good, and when it hurts, and persevering, and not understanding, and being in the pitch black, and NOT KNOWING. that's not our job. it's not my job. and my job isn't dependent on that. my job is to trust that God will work all things out for my good. and to press on toward the goal. and to believe that there is something way bigger than me, way bigger that i can dream for, planned for me. Just Trust.

"Forget the fear, it's just a crutch. that tries to hold you back and turn your dreams to dust. all you have to do is just....TRUST." [fireflight]

As some would say...

"'Nuff Said!"






Cross through the night
I looked down and lost my way my light
Brought to my knees
Though the dark surrounds, it pulls me down
I do not sink beneath

Still here
Staggering on
Through the impossible
We remain
I can breathe one more day
Still here
Still fighting on
All we have is today
Find my way
To the beauty of one more day
Still here

Hope fades away
When tomorrow holds no promises today
Then today I am set free
For amidst the tears, amongst the fear
I find the joy to be

Still here
Staggering on
Through the impossible
We remain
I can breathe one more day
Still here
Still fighting on
All we have is today
Find my way
To the beauty of one more day
Still here

It's not my choice.

These past couple days have been really...rough. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure when it started. I don't exactly know how to get out of it, or what I'm fighting. But I know, I've hit a low that I haven't been at for a LONG time. :(

Needless to say, I didn't feel like being at church today. And as I rushed out of the door, I forgot to grab something important that i needed for after church. And I remembered...as we pulled in the parking lot. So, I had to get back in the van, and drive home to get it, and drive back, and i knew i was gonna be late, which drives me nuts! So I i arrive worship had just begun [OK i was speeding a little ;) ] and i was like, "God, I know that i need to worship you, but i don't feel like it at all." So i started flagging hoping my heart would follow. And as i did i was able to draw into Abba. and let everything fade away. It didn't matter that i was late. or that i had a bad day yesterday. or that i had just guzzled a cup of coffee. it was just Abba and me. And i was able to just talk to God and I started say that He is powerful, mighty, worthy of my praise and worship. And somewhere, deep inside, i knew that it was my job to worship. and i was enjoying it. And God started saying, "it's not your choice to worship me. sometimes when you least feel like worshiping is when you need to. I am always faithful. I am always worthy of your praise. I am not shaken. Come. Worship. I will meet you. I forgive you. I can take your pain away." And usually, I like to wave these beautiful rose-colored flags: for love. romantic love, between me and my savior. But today, i was drawn to the deep red flags, also for love, but a deep passionate love. a love that came as blood. A love that is relentless. A love that is so faithful.

And as i finished worshiping, God reminded me. The sun will come again, even if right now I'm in the pouring rain. And even in my darkest night, there will be a light, a flickering flame. And even if i feel all alone, I never am. Because, i don't have to feel it, I just need to trust. Because what is trust if you don't have to believe?

Dear Love,

Yah, It's true. I actually do think about you! A lot really. And I'm learning a lot without you here beside me. And sometimes I wonder how it's possible to miss something you've never known, and yet my heart misses you. And sometimes I wonder why on earth God would let me feel this way, and yet i know--it's to make me stronger for you. And for awhile i didn't know what to do with my heart, but now i know what i need to do.

My love, I love you now, and I always will. I'll love you even if you mess up. And even when we walk thru some really hard stuff together, I'm not gonna leave you. which is why I'm willing to wait. And i used to think that waiting was just something to pass time before you came to sweep me off my feet. Heck No!! I am NOT waiting around. Quite the opposite! I'm gonna be journeying, discovering, exploring, running, dancing, becoming me, without you. I'm gonna actively wait! And I am convinced that Abba wants that. Because then I will know who i am, without you, because then and only then can i completely you and you complete me.

But there's a catch. My heart doesn't stop and just wait passively. and it's not content to just become me. it longs for you. it wants you. but as it waits, it becomes stronger, more pure, more yours. And so, my love, I'm gonna wait for you. I'm gonna stand in the pain of longing, because it's there that I learn to fall in love. I learn to fall in love with my Jesus and He teaches me to fall in love with you. And it doesn't make it easier. It doesn't hurt less. It doesn't mean that I don't look at the stars and wonder when we'll look at them together. And it doesn't mean I want to be rain-walking alone. And it doesn't mean I don't think about you. It doesn't mean that I don't wonder what it will feel like for you to put your arms around me. And it doesn't mean I don't wonder what it will be like to look you in the eyes and let the world slip away. And it doesn't mean that I don't want to hear you call me 'baby' and 'beautiful'.It means that i will wait. I will be strong. I will remain. Will you wait for me?

L.O.V.E.

I know, I know! I said i was gonna right. And I really did sign on a couple times to write again, but then I'd try to start writing and i still couldn't explain it. I can't explain it. I still am processing, but you know what? I don't think I'm gonna have things figured out anytime soon. So, I guess you could say, I've processed enough of some things to write.

What Abba has been placing on my heart recently, is love. what love truly is. And I'll try to explain myself, but i don't know if i can. Cuz I'm still processing ;) But here it goes...

I've known all my life that God loved us enough to send Jesus to die for us. And Jesus loved us enough to die for us; to follow thru. And recently, I've been grasping what that truly means. But it's like I'm coming to a completely new understanding of love.

The easiest way to explain it is this: if you look up the Latin or Greek word 'love' they both have 3 variations. 1)love for a friend--such as a brother/sister, mother/father, best friend. 2)love in a deep, romantic way--wife/husband. 3)God's love.--loving God. God loving us. a "holy,reverent" love.

So I've been trying to get my head around this, and God's been showing me this...while some of these have different characterise (such as, you wouldn't feel romantic love for a parent...:O ) they are also similar too. Each of them, would lay down their life for the person that they love. They are all selfless. They are all strong. They all follow 1 Corinthians 13. Here's the catch...God is all of them. He is my lover. My father. My best friend. My brother. My mother. My companion. so i had to say that to preface this next part...;)

Love. What truly is love? How am i truly loving? what am i doing in EVERY situation to truly love? I have a couple things that I've been processing. the first is this. Love hurts sometimes....

My heart was beating hard--the butterflies were in full flight around my stomic--as the runners stepped up to the line. focus. you can do this. run hard. finish. I froze as the official called out, "runners! On your mark!" and raised his hands; one holding the starter gun, the other holding that familiar bright, orange flag. Bang! The gun went off, the flag dropped to his side. and as one person the 200 runners lept into action. 400 pairs of feet, running toward the same goal. Each runner thinking the same things. And as those 200 runners begins to settle into a steady stream, I realized. I'm not moving. My feet aren't going. I am not a step closer to the finish line than when that gun went off. And it hits me full force. I am only a spectator. And it was like standing by the ocean and having a wave splash onto your leg-right into a cut that is open and still raw. Because last year the knife cut into a special part of my heart, as I ran in the final meet of the year; the state championships for cross country. And it was plunged further in, as finished my run on Lehigh University's indoor track in the elite meet. And it was finally rammed the rest of the way in and twisted around as I ran at the District 3 championships for outdoor track. But over the summer, my wound was stitched. And it had a nice band-aid over it. And for those brief months, I thought that all that remained was a bit of scar tissue under the scar, but I couldn't have been more wrong. And i was just standing there while all the stitches popped out revealing my open scar. And I was truly happy to be there, because I was there for a reason...to cheer my brother on and his team-mates, but my heart really hurt! And i know that sounds like I'm being over reactive, (and ok...maybe i used some stronger English ;) ) but if you've never been there, i guess you have no idea what I'm talking about, but if you have...so anyway. I was tell my dad that it wasn't really comfortable to be there. actually, that it wasn't much fun at all. and his response? We can go. We don't have to stay. (see my daddy is like me. instead of 5 wonderful years of cross country we both only ran our 11th and 12th grade years. so he really understands :) ) but when he said that, my heart jumped up and started to protest. And i asked myself, "self, if you don't like being here, then why don't you just leave? Are you just trying to hold onto your past. still living in what used to define you?" and i could honestly say that i wasn't. so I'm standing there wondering why on earth I'm still standing there and wishing that i didn't feel that way and God spoke to me. "Lis, you have just understood more deeply what love is. the reason why you stay is because you truly love your brother." wow.

And so i began another step in my journey of understanding me. and understanding what it is to love. and understanding that love stands in the pain and, even in the pain, it loves no less. And then i suppose that God thought that i was figuring that out enough and he threw something else at me. and this ties to falling into love (see my past entry...)

I was on an overnight hike with my youth group. Let me tell you, the things you learn around a camp fire after a big day...;) But i was talking to one of my dear friends who is wise beyond her years. We where talking about, yes you guess it..., boys :P anyway. we were talking about alot of stuff and it got me thinking. and i started to understand what i had been processing for awhile--i could finally put it into words.

I never considered myself a "chaser." A girl who chases guys and gets them to like her and on and on. But as i watched myself and looked deeper into me. and discovered my heart, i realized that i do chase. Not as obviously as some do, but i set myself up to be noticed, or liked, or pursued. and more than that, it was in my head and my heart. but the problem with chasing is that you're only chasing so that you can control the relationship. And as I was talking to my friend she told me about this song. It's called Enough To Let You Go by Switchfoot. Look it up :) but the part that had struck her, and had blown me over were these lyrics...

Do you love me enough to let me go?Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through, to let me fall for you, my love
Do you love me enough to let me go?

And so as i processed God was telling me that to truly love someone (and romantically, but also as friends) you have to love them enough to let them go. And when you can do that you can fall into. and i know that someday falling into love will lead to falling in love, but for now Abba is asking me to fall for him. to let him be my lover. to learn to fall in, and into, love.

So that's what's been spinning around. And i still haven't figured it all out. but there's a start. And it all started with a letter mommy put in my suitcase before i left for Mexico this summer...:)

so...

Alot has been going on. but i don't have anything to write about. is that weird?

actually, it's more like, I don't know how to write down everything that I've been processing.

Yesterday i was told i didn't have a job anymore. Yesterday i had an amazing conversation with a friend. :D (you know who you are ;) ) but that also made me think. Yesterday I fell in love....i heard what you're thinking..."WHAT?!?!? is this even the same person that i thought was writing this blog?!?!? You fell in love?!?! :O" Before you send me all kinds of messages about it, i didn't fall in love in a romantic way. I learned to fall in love truly. enough to let go. enough to care. enough to become vulnerable. enough to love truly. Does that make sense? God taught me to fall into love. falling into love is very different than falling in love.

needless to say, my emotions are up and down and all around. but it's OK. this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Maybe when i figure out a little more what's what, I'll post ;)

When the heart cries.

Unwanted and thrown away the life and breath are robbed of an unborn baby; as they cry without noise. It's then my heart cries.
Empty arms of a mother who has waited and longed. Empty, hopeless heart, as her little one slipped away. Not even a picture to save. It's then my heart cries.
A child laying on their bed, afraid of the dark, afraid of the fights, afraid of the dark nights. It's then my heart cries.
Sitting on the bathroom floor, once again, once more, secrets inside, she can no longer see me in her eyes. It's then my heart cries.
When beauty becomes a mask for the pain and hurt. Denying to see. It's then my heart cries.
Threatening to take the life that I've given, the life that i prize. It's then my heart cries.
when you no longer believe in the purpose the destiny you have. It's then my heart cries.
Looking around, the hurt, the pain of the world. It's then my heart cries.
For the little ones, half way across the world, unknown to me who have never known what it is to not be hungry. It's then my heart cries.
When the cancer spreads, you're tired and worn out; ready to surrender. It's then my heart cries.
For the children who've lost more than should be allowed. walking without a daddy to hug them; a mother to nurture them. It's then my heart cries.
The broken heart, once again. searching for the love it never knew. and when it's taped together and tries again, only to be shattered once more. It's then my heart cries.
When you can't see me in your eyes. It's then my heart cries.
When you don't believe that i hear. It's then my heart cries.
I am not a passive God. I am not a God who is faithless. I will seek out your accusers. I will bring judgement. I will bring revenge. I am holy. I am mighty. I am who I am. I was. I will be. I am always here; everywhere. When you stand, you won't be alone. You ask me to never leave, as you cry because of the pain. My child, don't you know, you had that promise since before you were born.
To some I have given my voice to speak. to heal.
To some i have given my wisdom to learn. to encourage.
To some i have given my ears to hear. to listen. to help
And to some i have given my heart, to bleed. To cry. To feel.
I am coming. I will come.
Let your heart cry. Let it bleed. Let it feel. let me heal. You. and others thru you.
My heart cries when the orphan finds a home.
My heart cries when in your darkest night you find my light.
My heart cries when You open your eyes and chose to see everything that you're meant to be.
I cry for joy, not just for pain. I cry because i love you. I am a jealous God. I am a passionate lover. I am relentless. I am who I am.

My heart cries. My heart heals. My heart is everything that you need. Everything you are meant to be. Come to me. Come to my heart. Come. Come. Come.


{his is still in progress, but i thought you might be interested...:)}

{enter title that fits here ;)]

Wow. Since i last wrote everything has been just fine and dandy...not :P

I wish i could say that is a true statement, but it's not. Everything hasn't been OK. After i led worship on Tuesday at youth cell, i led worship at our cell group (on Wednesdays) OK so Thursday...It was really rainy and yucky out, and that just reflected my mood perfectly. I felt really...oppressed. I'm not sure if that's the right word. But i felt like i was walking around in a thunder cloud. I'm familiar to what that feels like, I lived in it for a season, but i didn't like it coming back. I didn't understand why, all the sudden, i felt like this again...

DING!! The realization hit me. What I did on Tuesday and Wednesday wasn't appreciated my my enemy. and he engaged me into battle once again.


I don't really have all this figured out, but I know this...The victory is worth the battle. Because the victory has been won by Jesus. I could chose not to walk into situations that set me up for the battle again, but that's not what I've been asked to do. I'll walk in what I'm chosen and called for, because i know anything that comes afterwards will be worth the pain.

So stay strong. Stand strong. The victory is worth the pain.

"It's gonna be worth it. It's gonna be worth it. It's gonna be worth it all..."

Stay with me. please.

Tuesday morning i was out on my run. Enjoy moving and breathing and listening to my music. Loving letting my mind rest as my spirit comunicated with my Abba thru silent words. And my mind was thinking over the worship songs that i had chosen for youth group that eveing (i was leading :) ) To say i "heard" God tell me something, would be false, but God placed an impression that He wanted to do something big, something new, something different with my worship that evening. I sensed that He wanted me to be open, because He wanted to move. I even felt that He wanted me to share something. So my super spiritual response was this,
"Ok. I'll just plan out something good to say. think...."
"No, Lis. Don't plan this out. I want to speak. Will you be my voice?"

I felt like this was true, that i wasn't just making this up, so i called Carl to ask if he would be open to this. Open to the fact that God might move. I didn't say would (i'm still learning to trust His voice)

Alright, skip ahead to dinner time. All the sudden, everything was wrong! I felt this surge of...i'm not sure...a surge of bad emotions. failure. defeat. depression. anxiety. Feelings that were once so familar to me, but hadn't been around for a long time. They all came surging back. But i didn't really face them. I just ate dinner and rushed off to get to youth group. But then i realized. "I don't wanna do this Abba! I'm scared. Those feelings only signaled the fact that i'm engaging in a spirital war (again). And that whatever was about to happen, whatever God had, was right." But this was my heart cry, "I don't want to do this alone !" "elisabeth, you've told me before that same thing. My reply then was 'i will never leave you.' It hasn't changed now. I am with you. I will be with you. Always. Forever."

Tuesday evening was better than i could have every planned. Abba was welcome, and He came.

If anyone has looked outside today, you'll realize it's raining. Only the perfect symbol for my life since Tuesday night. With victory and joy, usually comes warfare taken up against us my one who hates us and the plans for us.

Last night I was telling God, "I'm so tired! I'm tired of walking thru the fire. I'm tired of having to fight! I'm tired of all this!" So Abba talked to me and listened to me, and i am renewed to fight. But only if Abba won't leave. And he promised me he wouldn't. So i'm remaining strong. Right now, I don't feel the joy, but i know that it's still there. It will return. For now, I just have to remain. I just have to stand in it and live in it, but never alone. With Abba, My Savior!

And the other day, I woke up to this song on the radio!

Je Suis Jolie

I. Am. Beautiful.

Now before you think i'm all full of myself, I want you to get up go to the nearest mirror and say these words, "I am beautiful."

Recently, Abba has been placing on my heart this truth: that HE made me beautiful. He is the beautiful one, and I am created in his image. God recently challenged me, "Lis, when you look in the mirror, into your eyes, do you know that you're looking into my heart? Do you know that i created you perfectly? I don't make mistakes and i wasn't gonna start with you. You are exactly who i wanted you to be. I chose you. I destined you. I am shaping you. I have called you. Live it! You. Are. Beautiful. Whose voice will you allow to be louder? The media, who you can never satisfy, or me?"

You remember the saying, "if you don't suceed the first time, try and try again?" Yah, that's been me over the past week or so. "Ugh...breakout, bad hair day, yucky. Wait...Abba made me beautiful. But like this?..." "Lis, I think you look beautiful today." "Umm...God, have you seen me this morning? I look awful." "No. You are beautiful!" I've struggled for so long against this. trying to satisfy the media, but never measuring up. And while I still can't fully believe that I am beautiful, it's begining to become reality. And sometimes God asks me to believe without seeing. He askes me just to walk in it. Just to say it to myself when i don't feel like i measure up. Just to KNOW, not even believe that i am beautiful to him.

And a dear friend sent me this last week....

And i decided...

finally! I found a name that fits! and i love it! {but that can be a story for later.}

I love writing {i don't always have much time ;) } But I do love to. And i started thinking to myself, after i finished one of my journals, "you know, some of the stuff i write i wanna share! i don't just want it to sit in my journal and never do anything! If i am struggling, or if I'm encouraged, then probably someone else is too!"

So i figured I'd make a blog. I can write on here some of what God shows me {in all my wisdom ;) }

So enjoy taking a peek into my life, sometimes into my heart, and into my writings!