So, finally, here is the blog I promised....explaining, but not defending my decision.
No. I'm not going back to Millersville University this spring. Yes, it has only been a semester. No, I don't have bad grades. No, I didn't fail out. Yes, I enjoyed myself. Yes, the program there is wonderful! No, I'm not anti-social and don't know how to make friends. Yes, it was hard, but not impossible. Yes, it was exactly where I needed to me....(wait...why are you leaving again??)
Alright, let me try my best to explain.
There comes a point where everything we can see fails us--that the call in our hearts no longer makes sense to us--but we still have a choice; to follow that calling, or to ignore it. And then, sometimes, I think I have it figured out. It's one of those times that I say, "Oh, I get it! This calling doesn't make sense, but here, I'll slap my logic onto it, and it will turn out like this! See, now it makes sense!"
Silly me. Will I ever learn that my ways simply are NOT His ways??
But anyway, that didn't really answer the questions that I began with. So, let's back up to January of this year....
January- I really wasn't planning on attending college, let alone Millersville. I don't know why, I just didn't want to. I certainly didn't think that the things that I wanted to do in college were a possibility, because I just didn't think I was good enough.
February- Well, God starts to move in my heart, and I begin to want to go to college, so I apply to Millersville University...a place close enough to home that I can be with my family, but still not a community college. I'm accepted as an undeclared major. (I still didn't think I'd be good enough for what I really wanted to do.)
March-On a whim (that could have only been a "God-Prompting") I email someone from the music department at Millersville to see if there's any chance since I've never been classically trained in music. I figured that way I can always say I tried. The email I receive back was from Dr. Houlahan, Chair of the music department--He wanted to get a phone number to call me. I'm on the phone with him within 10 mins. On that call, he does a brief interview that included me singing to him, concludes that I can indeed sing, and right away emails one of the voice professors to set up lessons to prepare of my audition into the music department. Meanwhile, because it was required, I submit my application to the music department, but Dr. Houlahan has reassured me that, as long as I can pass the audition, I'll be accepted.
April- I go once a week to MU to prepare for my auditions. Professor Sims worked with me (did I mention for FREE) so that I would be prepared. They were some of the best voice lessons I have ever taken.
May-I audition (past the deadline) into the music department at MU, formally interview with Dr. Houlahan, and am officially accepted into the program I didn't think I was good enough for.
Whew...The story isn't even over yet.
June, July, and the beginning of August are filled with excitement for what's in store, for what's coming next, and an underlying peace remains in my heart; I know that this is right.
End of August- orientation....(drum roll) ALRIGHT!!! CAN I LEAVE COLLEGE BEFORE I START...and the overwhelming anxiety, that I've fought so hard to contain, breaks loose and I wonder what on earth I'm doing at this school, in this program. And I'm scared to death. BUT...but...I KNOW that this is right still. This is where I need to be. To leave, would be to deny the calling. So I stay, and I begin the journey of college. The peace remains deep within my heart, which reassures me that this. is. right. (you can read a post from that time)
And so I journeyed through college and settled into the rhythm and pattern of life as a collage student. But I wanted to leave. And I knew, absolutely knew, that I couldn't.
I don't quit. I just don't. That's not programmed into me. I don't take the easy way out. I don't just do what the crowd does. And to leave then, wasn't an option. Because, to me, leaving just because it was hard, wasn't even an option. I knew I had to stay. And I knew that God wanted me to stay. And He wouldn't tell me how long I had to stay. Just that for now, for this moment, I had to stay.
And mid-October rolled around, and I suddenly realized that I could do this! No, it wasn't easier. But I could do it. And I was learning things left and right, about music, about me and about God. And I was staying.
And so, I stayed. And I committed to doing my best, whatever that looked like, committing my heart to being there, and did just that.
So November rolls around...and I begin to think of leaving. Not because it was too hard. Not because I wasn't good enough. Not because I couldn't do it. But because I wasn't sure that that was where I was suppose to /stay/. But I kind of talked it out with my parents, but just couldn't make sense of why God would have called me to some place and all of the sudden ask me to leave...It didn't make sense in my mind. So, I wrestled with it. And struggled through it. And prayed a lot for wisdom.
But as I wrestled, God began to bring up lessons that I was learning, or had learned in this semester of college; lessons far to vast for me to type out and put down in a blog. Lessons that included, but were not limited to, God's absolute provision, above and beyond my expectations. how the little things in life really make life sweeter. How to choose to see things through his eyes and perspective. How to lean on him, every moment of every day. How faithful and good he is. How He so desperately wants to be my support and is so ready to give me the strength to face the day and breath encouragement and life, if I'd only ask. Lessons of peace, patience and joy. And on and on...
And only after I acknowledged all these lessons (and was really impressed that God has done all that so gently and without my knowing), did He begin to give me the understanding that to learn all these lessons, about me, about Him, about life, it would be easiest (not to be confused with easy) if I was at school, where I had to be in the middle of the very things that would leave me flailing around, trying to keep from drowning, and, in turn, push me closer to Him.
So, yes, that is what led to this decision. And yes, it was INCREDIBLY difficult to make. But somehow, I thought that making the decision was the hard part, but I realized that it really didn't get easier...those questions as the beginning are the typically asked (or unasked, but wanted to be asked) questions that I deal with now. I'm also now going to be working full-time, and starting to build my cleaning business (which is another whole story :) )
And there is so much more I could share, but since this post is growing incredibly long, I hope that you have a very merry and blessed Christmas and holiday season!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Lessons from a...tree...
Our house like so many others, have traditions, especially around Christmastime.
For as long as I can remember, my family has had a tradition that on December 1st we "set up Christmas". We begin our time with dancing to Big Fat Santa and Santa Clause is Coming to Town (and as the years move on, my younger siblings have started to request that the shades get shut so the neighbors can't see :P ) After that, we set up the decorations. We don't go "all out", the front of our house doesn't really "look" like Christmas, but inside we decorate with items that, might not be the "best" but that have character and meaning; Our advent calendar that even have been enjoyed by the dogs (hence the teeth marks) and that we rotate who gets to put the piece on to count down the days until Christmas, the stars that hang from our dining room light, given to us by our Grandma from her dog, Star. The cookie cutters in red and green, shaped like bells and stars that no one knows where they came from. The wooden nativity that half the pieces are officially MIA. The big red bow around the mail box.The garland and poinsettias hung above our fire place, concealing the hooks that we hang our stockings on, stockings that were knit by our Grandma. And our tree. That itself is a tradition. We all go down and carry up our "artificial" tree (only we've all gotten much older and can't fit 2 people plus a big box through the doorway). And then we go back down and carry up our box of ornaments. Each of us have our own that contain ornaments dating back to our first Christmas. And then the "set up". Every year, without fail, we argue over who gets "call out" the instructions. And after that little argument is resolved we go to work putting all the branches on, mom strings the the lights on and put the top on, daddy puts the star (that's far to heavy for the poor tree) on, and all the kids put our ornaments on, or at least as many as we can fit :P
But slowly those things change a little. They're still there, but instead of just mom writing down a name for the "caller of the instructions", last year she added "or so and so's boyfriend/girlfriend", which we all thought was funny, but I realized that it's TRUE. Last year it was quite possible that that would be the case, and it really is this year.
And as I sat, processing through the bittersweetness of this season, coming to terms with the fact that my childhood is over, that the "normal" my heart has been holding out for just isn't going to come back, I looked--really looked--at our tree. And thought about how UGLY it is.
I mean, this tree is so...artificial. So very, very ugly. And every year when I help set it up I think, "wow...time for a new tree soon??", but that night, sitting there with the lights glowing and the ornaments decorating it's (flimsy) branches, and the star dimly glowing, I smiled. Because that tree is one of the most beautiful and festive trees I have ever seen. It has character and it's ugliness all but disappears with the love that is symbolized by the ornaments. It's been part of our family, and has our memories attached to it. And I laughed, because suddenly, something so hideous, turns out to be the most beautiful, most really, most authentic.
For as long as I can remember, my family has had a tradition that on December 1st we "set up Christmas". We begin our time with dancing to Big Fat Santa and Santa Clause is Coming to Town (and as the years move on, my younger siblings have started to request that the shades get shut so the neighbors can't see :P ) After that, we set up the decorations. We don't go "all out", the front of our house doesn't really "look" like Christmas, but inside we decorate with items that, might not be the "best" but that have character and meaning; Our advent calendar that even have been enjoyed by the dogs (hence the teeth marks) and that we rotate who gets to put the piece on to count down the days until Christmas, the stars that hang from our dining room light, given to us by our Grandma from her dog, Star. The cookie cutters in red and green, shaped like bells and stars that no one knows where they came from. The wooden nativity that half the pieces are officially MIA. The big red bow around the mail box.The garland and poinsettias hung above our fire place, concealing the hooks that we hang our stockings on, stockings that were knit by our Grandma. And our tree. That itself is a tradition. We all go down and carry up our "artificial" tree (only we've all gotten much older and can't fit 2 people plus a big box through the doorway). And then we go back down and carry up our box of ornaments. Each of us have our own that contain ornaments dating back to our first Christmas. And then the "set up". Every year, without fail, we argue over who gets "call out" the instructions. And after that little argument is resolved we go to work putting all the branches on, mom strings the the lights on and put the top on, daddy puts the star (that's far to heavy for the poor tree) on, and all the kids put our ornaments on, or at least as many as we can fit :P
But slowly those things change a little. They're still there, but instead of just mom writing down a name for the "caller of the instructions", last year she added "or so and so's boyfriend/girlfriend", which we all thought was funny, but I realized that it's TRUE. Last year it was quite possible that that would be the case, and it really is this year.
And as I sat, processing through the bittersweetness of this season, coming to terms with the fact that my childhood is over, that the "normal" my heart has been holding out for just isn't going to come back, I looked--really looked--at our tree. And thought about how UGLY it is.
I mean, this tree is so...artificial. So very, very ugly. And every year when I help set it up I think, "wow...time for a new tree soon??", but that night, sitting there with the lights glowing and the ornaments decorating it's (flimsy) branches, and the star dimly glowing, I smiled. Because that tree is one of the most beautiful and festive trees I have ever seen. It has character and it's ugliness all but disappears with the love that is symbolized by the ornaments. It's been part of our family, and has our memories attached to it. And I laughed, because suddenly, something so hideous, turns out to be the most beautiful, most really, most authentic.
Monday, November 7, 2011
...And to those ones...
...The ones who fight. Valiantly.The ones who pick up the defense of those who cannot fight for themselves. The ones who have vowed to win...or die trying. The ones who understand and acknowledge that defeat is not an option anymore. To the brave, the dedicated, the loyal, the unsung warriors.
To the same ones who have lost sight of the victory. To the ones on their knees, in surrender of all they've fought to gain. To those who have surrender their sword at the request of the enemy, because they see no other way. To the ones who have come to believe the lies. To the ones that don't see their worth, their value, their honor. To the ones who have forgotten the quest; forgotten who they are.
I speak to the targeted, zoned in on, and attacked warriors. I speak to the men of this generation-my generation.
Your pain is not longer hidden, unseen, tucked away. Your fight is no longer just on your shoulders. One has come, ready to fight for you.
You have not failed; falling is not failing, it's just a chance to rise. You are not worthless, or unworthy, you are still called and chosen. Don't believe the lies, remember the light-the glory-that is rightfully yours. Choose to trust, even in the unseen. Choose to believe, the truth.
Brave hearts, don't forget your quest. don't forget the call. fight on. You will win if you fight.
To the same ones who have lost sight of the victory. To the ones on their knees, in surrender of all they've fought to gain. To those who have surrender their sword at the request of the enemy, because they see no other way. To the ones who have come to believe the lies. To the ones that don't see their worth, their value, their honor. To the ones who have forgotten the quest; forgotten who they are.
I speak to the targeted, zoned in on, and attacked warriors. I speak to the men of this generation-my generation.
Your pain is not longer hidden, unseen, tucked away. Your fight is no longer just on your shoulders. One has come, ready to fight for you.
You have not failed; falling is not failing, it's just a chance to rise. You are not worthless, or unworthy, you are still called and chosen. Don't believe the lies, remember the light-the glory-that is rightfully yours. Choose to trust, even in the unseen. Choose to believe, the truth.
Brave hearts, don't forget your quest. don't forget the call. fight on. You will win if you fight.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Josie's Song
One of the things I love doing is telling stories. Sometimes, I write stories about my life, sometimes I write metaphors, sometimes I write about someone I wish I was, and sometime I write about people. People who's life-story has impacted me, or who don't have a voice, or that amaze me. I firmly believe that everyone has a story, and every story should be told. It saddens when I hear people say that they don't have a story, and I wish I could show them that they do. That they have a story that isn't finished, a story that does impact the world, that does make a difference. But that's kind of a rabbit-trail to the real reason I'm blogging.
I wanted to write about someone who I've never meet, but I've heard about, seen pictures of, and prayed for. A young girl who, right now, is half way across the world, (hopefully) sleeping. A little girl named Josie.
Josie lives with a foster family in China. They love her dearly and have taken wonderful care of her, but she didn't have a forever family...until recently.
Dear friends of mine have been on the journey of adoption. Within the past 3 years, they have brought home two adorable little girls from China, but their hearts were stirred again, and they have listened. After quite some time, lots of prayer, uncertainty, fears, and joy, they have (finally) been matched to this little girl who captured their hearts on one of their previous visits to China!
So, that's the history. Now, this week as I was running, I was thinking, talking to Abba, and just listening to my music. As I listened to the words of the song that was playing, I was singing along. It's one of my favorite songs; one that gives me hope. But as I listened, Josie came to my mind. And as I listened again to the song, I felt like this was Josie's song.
Josie, I've never met you, yet I feel like I know you somehow. As I think about you, I really feel like you have the heart of a warrior, the spirit that is humble and merciful and thankful. Yet you have a strength that will overcome. You heart is full of faith. In my heart, I don't doubt that you will walk someday, unassisted because of your faith, that you will overcome the odds and what this world says you can do, and do it, because you believe. Faith that can move mountains, quiet peace. And when that day comes, there will be much rejoicing, yet I have a feeling that you will do it, not to prove them wrong, but rather simply because you trust. As this song plays, I thought of you. I cannot wait to meet you! Praying it's soon. Keep the faith, hold onto hope, and continue to trust.
Love, Lissie
What Faith Can Do by Kutless
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
I wanted to write about someone who I've never meet, but I've heard about, seen pictures of, and prayed for. A young girl who, right now, is half way across the world, (hopefully) sleeping. A little girl named Josie.
Josie lives with a foster family in China. They love her dearly and have taken wonderful care of her, but she didn't have a forever family...until recently.
Dear friends of mine have been on the journey of adoption. Within the past 3 years, they have brought home two adorable little girls from China, but their hearts were stirred again, and they have listened. After quite some time, lots of prayer, uncertainty, fears, and joy, they have (finally) been matched to this little girl who captured their hearts on one of their previous visits to China!
So, that's the history. Now, this week as I was running, I was thinking, talking to Abba, and just listening to my music. As I listened to the words of the song that was playing, I was singing along. It's one of my favorite songs; one that gives me hope. But as I listened, Josie came to my mind. And as I listened again to the song, I felt like this was Josie's song.
Josie, I've never met you, yet I feel like I know you somehow. As I think about you, I really feel like you have the heart of a warrior, the spirit that is humble and merciful and thankful. Yet you have a strength that will overcome. You heart is full of faith. In my heart, I don't doubt that you will walk someday, unassisted because of your faith, that you will overcome the odds and what this world says you can do, and do it, because you believe. Faith that can move mountains, quiet peace. And when that day comes, there will be much rejoicing, yet I have a feeling that you will do it, not to prove them wrong, but rather simply because you trust. As this song plays, I thought of you. I cannot wait to meet you! Praying it's soon. Keep the faith, hold onto hope, and continue to trust.
Love, Lissie
What Faith Can Do by Kutless
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
Thursday, September 29, 2011
October is approaching, and with that the colors of fall are beginning to show their faces again. The wind is cooling down, and the apples are at peak yumminess! And I am choosing to savor this time. Yes, I'm choosing to look around and remember the greatness of God, shown to me through the beauty of the changing trees.
Life is crazy. It's stressful, overwhelming, tiring, and, yet, I'm still standing; I'm finding my stride. I read through some of my journal entries from right before college started and they remind me and give me hope and strength to continue even through the toughest days.
I'm still learning a lot about everything. I'm still discovering more about me. and that. is. good.
Life is crazy. It's stressful, overwhelming, tiring, and, yet, I'm still standing; I'm finding my stride. I read through some of my journal entries from right before college started and they remind me and give me hope and strength to continue even through the toughest days.
I'm still learning a lot about everything. I'm still discovering more about me. and that. is. good.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Consumed
College started this past Monday, a mere 4 days ago. All I can say is this: I'm still standing, I'm still breathing, and I still believe in God.
No, honestly, college is...good...I think. It's very different and right now I still feel like i'm in survival mode, but my parents are my rock through this. Right now, it's their encouragement that gets me through. The first two days of college, actually, the orientation (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday), the weekend, and then, the first two days of college, it was honestly like everything broke inside me...basically, I cried more those days than I have in the past five months. But...I made it. And here I am. And here God is. In the midst...
...And He is calling, asking to be allowed to consume my life to the point that everything I say and do is saturated with his love, his covering, his joy, his strength; Him. And He doesn't want the 10 minutes a day. He wants me to let him into EVERYTHING I do. He wants to come with me when I'm driving. He wants to be the one sitting with me in class. When I start to feel panic rising in my heart during the lecture, He wants me to talk to him about it...right then. He wants to be with me on my run. He wants to consume me. To show me and teach me how to journey deeper, even in this new phase. Not just the "dedicated" time.
Stay Strong...Remaining Strong.
No, honestly, college is...good...I think. It's very different and right now I still feel like i'm in survival mode, but my parents are my rock through this. Right now, it's their encouragement that gets me through. The first two days of college, actually, the orientation (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday), the weekend, and then, the first two days of college, it was honestly like everything broke inside me...basically, I cried more those days than I have in the past five months. But...I made it. And here I am. And here God is. In the midst...
...And He is calling, asking to be allowed to consume my life to the point that everything I say and do is saturated with his love, his covering, his joy, his strength; Him. And He doesn't want the 10 minutes a day. He wants me to let him into EVERYTHING I do. He wants to come with me when I'm driving. He wants to be the one sitting with me in class. When I start to feel panic rising in my heart during the lecture, He wants me to talk to him about it...right then. He wants to be with me on my run. He wants to consume me. To show me and teach me how to journey deeper, even in this new phase. Not just the "dedicated" time.
Stay Strong...Remaining Strong.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
My Heart's Desire
Today, as I was pondering my life and processing through where I am, I had a thought that made me halt my thinking, rewind, and pause again to gaze curiously at this new revelation. It boiled down the the fact that I am standing in the coming-of-age chapter of life that I, at one time, could only imagine.
After coming to that rather shocking revelation, I just let my thoughts flutter around like butterflies, flying where they wanted to. They didn't rest on questions like, "I wonder when I'll start to date" or "I wonder who I'll get married to". Instead, they flutter around and rested on a chord in my heart, a chord that simply asks, "what does my heart desire most? what does it desperately want?" I don't know if I'm unique, or strange, but often I answer my own questions as I processes. And so my heart began to answer my mind. My heart desires to know it is treasured. My heart wants someone to tell me every single day that I am loved. My heart desires to know that it's captivating and beautiful. My heart desires to love deeply, without fear. It desires to trust, to hope, to journey with someone who understands. It desires to be who it's created to be, without judgment. It desires to be held. And in return, my heart desires to love passionately, deeply, recklessly. It wants to "unveil mystery (as John Eldridge puts it)" It desires to blossom for that love. And to return everything wholly.
Now, why might I tell you all this, when it's so deeply personal? Because, that is not the end of the thought process. No, it continued on, continued to go deeper into my heart.
Abba is everything my heart desires. And his call upon my life, no matter who enters or who leaves, is to follow him. And as I do, everything my heart desires will be fulfilled. The deepest desires that blossom and grow inside me, are fulfilled in Abba. He is the perfect romancer. He knows the beats of my heart better than I do. And even more than that, every single day He is telling me he loves me, that he is captivated, that I can trust him, that I rely on him, that he will hold me and up hold me.
And it makes me stand in awe. what else can I do when I'm loved like this?
Everything my heart desires is already being fulfilled. Someday, it will become tangible; someone will fulfill those desires. Until that time, I remain. and remain strong.
After coming to that rather shocking revelation, I just let my thoughts flutter around like butterflies, flying where they wanted to. They didn't rest on questions like, "I wonder when I'll start to date" or "I wonder who I'll get married to". Instead, they flutter around and rested on a chord in my heart, a chord that simply asks, "what does my heart desire most? what does it desperately want?" I don't know if I'm unique, or strange, but often I answer my own questions as I processes. And so my heart began to answer my mind. My heart desires to know it is treasured. My heart wants someone to tell me every single day that I am loved. My heart desires to know that it's captivating and beautiful. My heart desires to love deeply, without fear. It desires to trust, to hope, to journey with someone who understands. It desires to be who it's created to be, without judgment. It desires to be held. And in return, my heart desires to love passionately, deeply, recklessly. It wants to "unveil mystery (as John Eldridge puts it)" It desires to blossom for that love. And to return everything wholly.
Now, why might I tell you all this, when it's so deeply personal? Because, that is not the end of the thought process. No, it continued on, continued to go deeper into my heart.
Abba is everything my heart desires. And his call upon my life, no matter who enters or who leaves, is to follow him. And as I do, everything my heart desires will be fulfilled. The deepest desires that blossom and grow inside me, are fulfilled in Abba. He is the perfect romancer. He knows the beats of my heart better than I do. And even more than that, every single day He is telling me he loves me, that he is captivated, that I can trust him, that I rely on him, that he will hold me and up hold me.
And it makes me stand in awe. what else can I do when I'm loved like this?
Everything my heart desires is already being fulfilled. Someday, it will become tangible; someone will fulfill those desires. Until that time, I remain. and remain strong.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
...Love is strong as death, As fierce as the grave. Many waters cannnot quench this love...
Recently i was walking in a rainstorm, it was absolutely beautiful! There's just something about walking in the rain; it's almost like you're dancing to the melody of a thousand tears--sometimes the pour forth because of great joy, and other times they flood the earth because of pain, anger or total sadness. This time, it was raining joy, love, peace...yes, mostly peace. It's in the rain that i feel so close to Abba. Not many cars are on the road, not many people are out walking. There's no hustle and bustle that usually occurs in a town. It's still. And i take off my shoes and walk in the middle of the street, on the yellow lines, lift my arms and spin. And let go of the worries, of the pain, of the frustration that comes from being alive. I let it go, if only for a short time, to dance, to be alive, to be free, to let my heart be romanced. Rain is a love letter to my heart. It holds a place that speaks into my very being. I don't know why, it just does. It's one of the things that make me feel so alive. As i was walking, I realized that it's my dream to someday share my rain walks with somebody else. And someday, that will come. Someday, someday, someday...And what a wonderful story it will be. But it would be so silly for me to sit in the window and watch the rain, just waiting for someone to come and walk with me. That's not me! I'm gonna go and enjoy, to the fullest, and walk in the rain with my Jesus. for now.
The day that we stop realizing and enjoying the little things, is the day we start to die-a little inside. Oh, it can wake up again, but i am determined that going to college, working, running, whatever it is i'm doing, cannot consume me to the point that i start to die...I've only just begun to live, why would i want to die again? What is it that makes your spirit sing? even if it's just taking 2 minutes to watch a tree sway in the wind, or sipping a cup of coffee outside, or laughing. whatever it is, do it. live life. this isn't home, the things that romance our hearts are just a shadow of Home, but what a wonderful taste; what a wonderful reminder of what is to come. and what a blessing to know that our hearts are being romanced by the Creator so that life, however temporary, is so full of love, of joy, of hope.
Remain Strong.
The day that we stop realizing and enjoying the little things, is the day we start to die-a little inside. Oh, it can wake up again, but i am determined that going to college, working, running, whatever it is i'm doing, cannot consume me to the point that i start to die...I've only just begun to live, why would i want to die again? What is it that makes your spirit sing? even if it's just taking 2 minutes to watch a tree sway in the wind, or sipping a cup of coffee outside, or laughing. whatever it is, do it. live life. this isn't home, the things that romance our hearts are just a shadow of Home, but what a wonderful taste; what a wonderful reminder of what is to come. and what a blessing to know that our hearts are being romanced by the Creator so that life, however temporary, is so full of love, of joy, of hope.
Remain Strong.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Thunderstorms, Epic Music and Springtime
Wow. I totally, and truly, love springtime! The vivid colors, the thunderstorms, the smell of wet earth, the sound of birds singing again, does it get any better???
I really think the reason I love spring so much is 'cuz it follows winter. It's the proof of the hope that I've clung to on the coldest, darkest days in January; and it parallels the walk of a christian--it's like proof that the light will come, that something better is gonna come. :)
I was officially accepted into Millersville University for the Fall 2010 semester. Majoring in music, focus in Voice Performance. It's amazing to me how quickly it happened (3 weeks, applied, accepted, auditioned and accepted into the music college) and i'm PUMPED!! I've been getting alot of questions like, "well what do you plan to do with that degree??" guess what? i don't know. private lessons? performing? i don't know. What i do know is that, if God wants this to be my next step, who am i to say no? I know he'll provide (and he knows that he's gotta come thru). But just in taking that step. daring to believe in myself enough. listening to the call, and follow thru, I've won victory. I charged into a realm that before I decided I wasn't good enough to go into. But now, now i know, I'm a child of the light. I carry that with me. I walk with dignity, integrity, honor, poise. I am loved by my maker. I hold my head high, my shoulders back, tall, upright, and I carry myself as a princess, i carry myself with confidence. It wasn't about passing or failing the audition. It was about daring. daring to believe. daring to try. God wasn't asking me to judge myself on /they're/ ratings, it was about my heart. And i won. :)
There's still so much i'm learning, day to day, week to week, even minute by minute, but here's the thing, deep inside my heart, it's found joy. Joy that refuses to let go, even for a minute. Joy that remains even in the darkest night. And the top most part of my heart, the surface part that controls my face and emotions, that's found true joy too! In between, well, let's just say, that's the part I have to tell, "remain strong. remain strong. it's worth the pain." Clinging to hope, fighting for truth, daring to believe.
I really think the reason I love spring so much is 'cuz it follows winter. It's the proof of the hope that I've clung to on the coldest, darkest days in January; and it parallels the walk of a christian--it's like proof that the light will come, that something better is gonna come. :)
I was officially accepted into Millersville University for the Fall 2010 semester. Majoring in music, focus in Voice Performance. It's amazing to me how quickly it happened (3 weeks, applied, accepted, auditioned and accepted into the music college) and i'm PUMPED!! I've been getting alot of questions like, "well what do you plan to do with that degree??" guess what? i don't know. private lessons? performing? i don't know. What i do know is that, if God wants this to be my next step, who am i to say no? I know he'll provide (and he knows that he's gotta come thru). But just in taking that step. daring to believe in myself enough. listening to the call, and follow thru, I've won victory. I charged into a realm that before I decided I wasn't good enough to go into. But now, now i know, I'm a child of the light. I carry that with me. I walk with dignity, integrity, honor, poise. I am loved by my maker. I hold my head high, my shoulders back, tall, upright, and I carry myself as a princess, i carry myself with confidence. It wasn't about passing or failing the audition. It was about daring. daring to believe. daring to try. God wasn't asking me to judge myself on /they're/ ratings, it was about my heart. And i won. :)
There's still so much i'm learning, day to day, week to week, even minute by minute, but here's the thing, deep inside my heart, it's found joy. Joy that refuses to let go, even for a minute. Joy that remains even in the darkest night. And the top most part of my heart, the surface part that controls my face and emotions, that's found true joy too! In between, well, let's just say, that's the part I have to tell, "remain strong. remain strong. it's worth the pain." Clinging to hope, fighting for truth, daring to believe.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Redemption vs. Regret
...There are so many places i could start...there are so many things i could say...there's so much i could ramble on about...there's so many words, and thought and feelings, but i'm gonna try, notice /try/ to give an update on something really close to my heart recently...so hold on, get the popcorn, and read away...:P
This past month...wow. Can i just say, nope. i can't. i don't even know how to sum it all up. lol. I've been working (which is such a blessing...besides the money provision, it's been so good! the lesson's i've learned [how to work with...ahem...different...kinds of employers, to just giving my mind a track to run on] it's just been a blessing....) two part time jobs. But inside, personally, alot has been going on. In my heart, in my head, in my spirit. I've really learned something; there /is/ healing in pain. This past month i've had to face some pain that i didn't really think i was gonna have to face for awhile. I thought that i had pretty well established that i /wasn't/ ready. but you know god, he has different plans. and i guess he decided that /now/ was a fine time for me to learn. So, thus began another part of my journey. and i felt strongly at the beginning of this that i had two options; I could close my heart, deny, avoid, and run away. Or i could remain open, vulnerable, and fully alive, fully living from my true heart. But i had to decided. and that was the line. What i decided would change things. I couldn't not decided. and i chose...I chose to remain open, knowing that that would bring pain, but knowing that the other way, i just couldn't go back there again...And with that knowledge, abba began...
Because of the lack of personal touch that this lovely Internet gives us, i'm not gonna go into details, besides it would take me f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to write a month's worth of processing, but i really wanna blog about redemption...
At one point, i was talking to God about some decisions i had made. and i was saying, "Abba, this regret is such a different emotion for me. I've never really lived in regret. I've always seen the redemption." Well, God (what does he think he is? almighty or something? :P) told me this, "Lis, that's becuz you could /see/ it. you were either looking in hind-sight, or you could see the big picture...so, just becuz you can't /see/ it now, does that mean you're just gonna stop believing in the redemption? Or are you gonna /trust/ that it is coming. that restoration and redemption is coming?"
Well, yah, i suppose that makes sense. no wonder i didn't feel like myself...ok. so i'll just stop regretting...that's a choice. it is. But a choice that i made. and it's soooo freeing. Redemption is coming. I know that. But that means that i can't live in regret anymore. I can't have both. I had to decide. And i chose redemption. and i still choose redemption. I can't see all the picture. i can't even guess at what restoration will look like. but it's that hope. that trust. and that's been on my heart alot lately. to trust. to hope. to believe. to keep standing.
Where have my friends been thru all this? What can i say? they all walked away...:P No! I don't think i could be standing without my friends. time and time again they have proven themselves to get my back, to walk beside, to encourage me, to help me stand, even to carry me, in times like these. and i am beyond grateful. I'm dumbfounded. I know full well that they could have walked away, and at times, i wouldn't have blamed them...but they didn't only stay. they drew closer. And, wow, i have amazing friends! :D
So, it's past my bedtime, and i need to go...I know this post probably doesn't make much sense, but you can just get together with me sometime...we can talk then...;)
Remain. "The shadows prove the sunshine..."
This past month...wow. Can i just say, nope. i can't. i don't even know how to sum it all up. lol. I've been working (which is such a blessing...besides the money provision, it's been so good! the lesson's i've learned [how to work with...ahem...different...kinds of employers, to just giving my mind a track to run on] it's just been a blessing....) two part time jobs. But inside, personally, alot has been going on. In my heart, in my head, in my spirit. I've really learned something; there /is/ healing in pain. This past month i've had to face some pain that i didn't really think i was gonna have to face for awhile. I thought that i had pretty well established that i /wasn't/ ready. but you know god, he has different plans. and i guess he decided that /now/ was a fine time for me to learn. So, thus began another part of my journey. and i felt strongly at the beginning of this that i had two options; I could close my heart, deny, avoid, and run away. Or i could remain open, vulnerable, and fully alive, fully living from my true heart. But i had to decided. and that was the line. What i decided would change things. I couldn't not decided. and i chose...I chose to remain open, knowing that that would bring pain, but knowing that the other way, i just couldn't go back there again...And with that knowledge, abba began...
Because of the lack of personal touch that this lovely Internet gives us, i'm not gonna go into details, besides it would take me f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to write a month's worth of processing, but i really wanna blog about redemption...
At one point, i was talking to God about some decisions i had made. and i was saying, "Abba, this regret is such a different emotion for me. I've never really lived in regret. I've always seen the redemption." Well, God (what does he think he is? almighty or something? :P) told me this, "Lis, that's becuz you could /see/ it. you were either looking in hind-sight, or you could see the big picture...so, just becuz you can't /see/ it now, does that mean you're just gonna stop believing in the redemption? Or are you gonna /trust/ that it is coming. that restoration and redemption is coming?"
Well, yah, i suppose that makes sense. no wonder i didn't feel like myself...ok. so i'll just stop regretting...that's a choice. it is. But a choice that i made. and it's soooo freeing. Redemption is coming. I know that. But that means that i can't live in regret anymore. I can't have both. I had to decide. And i chose redemption. and i still choose redemption. I can't see all the picture. i can't even guess at what restoration will look like. but it's that hope. that trust. and that's been on my heart alot lately. to trust. to hope. to believe. to keep standing.
Where have my friends been thru all this? What can i say? they all walked away...:P No! I don't think i could be standing without my friends. time and time again they have proven themselves to get my back, to walk beside, to encourage me, to help me stand, even to carry me, in times like these. and i am beyond grateful. I'm dumbfounded. I know full well that they could have walked away, and at times, i wouldn't have blamed them...but they didn't only stay. they drew closer. And, wow, i have amazing friends! :D
So, it's past my bedtime, and i need to go...I know this post probably doesn't make much sense, but you can just get together with me sometime...we can talk then...;)
Remain. "The shadows prove the sunshine..."
Sunday, March 6, 2011
(out of ideas for the title)
Wow. There has been so much going on lately. Working two part time jobs is exhausting and yet fulfilling in a very different and unique way.
This past week has been very odd, especially in the ways of my heart. My heart hasn't felt this alive in, hum....,forever? It's a strange and wonderful feeling, just to soak in the joy of a heart fully alive. Oh, it's not there yet, but there is a deep, deep place in my heart that only music and my Abba can touch. I imagine that when people talk of "being in love" a deep part of their heart comes alive like this, but for now, it's gonna stay gated off--closed--just for me and abba. well, and music. music stirs my heart in a deep, intense, passionate way that nothing else does. except god. and sometimes writing. and sometimes running. or dancing. or swinging. or walking in the rain. or sometimes...ok. but in this deep way, it's new. it's amazing. But I once read that with the opportunity for a heart fully alive, comes the opportunity for great pain. and i think that that is so true. Cuz in many ways this week has had this weird two layer sort of thing going on. the bottom layer is achy, but the over layer is this true joy. and true happiness. like the laughter and smiles, those haven't been fake or forced. they have truly been real. so it's kind of an odd place to be, but it's good.
so life keeps plugging along, and i've decided that the joy of a heart fully alive, is worth the pain that comes. so even when it's hard, i've been working to remain. in spite of the pain. becuz i've tasted the victory. i know that there will be an end. Remain strong!
This past week has been very odd, especially in the ways of my heart. My heart hasn't felt this alive in, hum....,forever? It's a strange and wonderful feeling, just to soak in the joy of a heart fully alive. Oh, it's not there yet, but there is a deep, deep place in my heart that only music and my Abba can touch. I imagine that when people talk of "being in love" a deep part of their heart comes alive like this, but for now, it's gonna stay gated off--closed--just for me and abba. well, and music. music stirs my heart in a deep, intense, passionate way that nothing else does. except god. and sometimes writing. and sometimes running. or dancing. or swinging. or walking in the rain. or sometimes...ok. but in this deep way, it's new. it's amazing. But I once read that with the opportunity for a heart fully alive, comes the opportunity for great pain. and i think that that is so true. Cuz in many ways this week has had this weird two layer sort of thing going on. the bottom layer is achy, but the over layer is this true joy. and true happiness. like the laughter and smiles, those haven't been fake or forced. they have truly been real. so it's kind of an odd place to be, but it's good.
so life keeps plugging along, and i've decided that the joy of a heart fully alive, is worth the pain that comes. so even when it's hard, i've been working to remain. in spite of the pain. becuz i've tasted the victory. i know that there will be an end. Remain strong!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Barrista
Noun:
a person who is specially trained in the making and serving of coffee drinks, as in a coffee bar.
Yep, I'm training for my new job!! Abba is so faithful!! I applied on January 3, 2011. Folklore Coffee Company called last Wednesday, I interviewed Thursday, and i started today. (after a quick, little trip to Findlay, Ohio for a four-day weekend.) The training is intense (I never knew there was so much to learn about...coffee!), there's a science to everything, but it's good. It will keep me busy and not bored! And there's free coffee! :) I'm quite a bit overwhelmed because there is so much to process, but I'm sure I'll catch on quickly! So I've completed my first day of training, I train two more days and then I start on Saturday! So, here i go! I'm so thankful for the job! AND...when i didn't hear back from folklore, I lined up another job with a friend to help her with her cleaning business, so now I'm juggling two jobs...and still running...oh and friends...and family...and...yah, I'm overwhelmed. but just one day at a time!
And i have to get to bed for tonight, but I'm excited to post soon (haha, if i have time sometime!) about what Abba has been doing in my heart!
Yep, I'm training for my new job!! Abba is so faithful!! I applied on January 3, 2011. Folklore Coffee Company called last Wednesday, I interviewed Thursday, and i started today. (after a quick, little trip to Findlay, Ohio for a four-day weekend.) The training is intense (I never knew there was so much to learn about...coffee!), there's a science to everything, but it's good. It will keep me busy and not bored! And there's free coffee! :) I'm quite a bit overwhelmed because there is so much to process, but I'm sure I'll catch on quickly! So I've completed my first day of training, I train two more days and then I start on Saturday! So, here i go! I'm so thankful for the job! AND...when i didn't hear back from folklore, I lined up another job with a friend to help her with her cleaning business, so now I'm juggling two jobs...and still running...oh and friends...and family...and...yah, I'm overwhelmed. but just one day at a time!
And i have to get to bed for tonight, but I'm excited to post soon (haha, if i have time sometime!) about what Abba has been doing in my heart!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Dear Ava,
You have been long waited for and your arrival has been much anticipated. I have no doubt, though, that the timing was perfect. From the moment that you entered this world and took your first breath of air, until you have lived a long full life and take your last, promise me that you will never doubt who you have been called forth and created to be.
You have been chosen as a light, just remember that it doesn't take a blinding light to start a fire going, rather it takes only a small persistent flame that refuses to give up or blow out to set it all ablaze. No matter what wind or rain comes, walk in your Abba God's light and let your little, but steady, flame burn.
I know, even now, that your life will not be without hardship; honestly no life is. but keep your head up, precious one, for you are so much more than any lie you might have to face. The joy of life lived to it's fullest certainly outweighs the times when you fight the lies. It may seem, at one point, unfair that your parents gave you up, but remember that God redeems; He knows what he is doing. He will never leave you. He will never forsake you. And he has placed the love of true parents in the heart of your forever family. The, too, will be with you; they are not going to leave you as your walk on the path of life. I've seen they're love for you before they even knew your face, they loved you so deeply, Ava Mei, like only parents and family can do. And they love you still. If you ever wonder why someone in your life would chose to walk away, know that they are the ones missing out, because you, Ava, are so special.
Even before I have met you, or held you, or heard you laugh, I can feel a calling, distinct on your life. It is not for me to know what all that calling is, but there is a calling there. Perhaps I am wrong, but i sense a sweet, loving, caring, laid back, joyful, happy, deep, sensitive, thoughtful personality in you. Don't be afraid, though, as you get older, to step out of your little life, and let that flame flicker brightly. I can assure you of this: You are called, you have a destiny. You're very life is proof of that fact. Abba God placed his hand on you and cleared the path for you to come into the world, just as he is clearing the path for you're life.
You are a light. Shine beautifully, Beautiful Ava!
Love, Lissie
You have been chosen as a light, just remember that it doesn't take a blinding light to start a fire going, rather it takes only a small persistent flame that refuses to give up or blow out to set it all ablaze. No matter what wind or rain comes, walk in your Abba God's light and let your little, but steady, flame burn.
I know, even now, that your life will not be without hardship; honestly no life is. but keep your head up, precious one, for you are so much more than any lie you might have to face. The joy of life lived to it's fullest certainly outweighs the times when you fight the lies. It may seem, at one point, unfair that your parents gave you up, but remember that God redeems; He knows what he is doing. He will never leave you. He will never forsake you. And he has placed the love of true parents in the heart of your forever family. The, too, will be with you; they are not going to leave you as your walk on the path of life. I've seen they're love for you before they even knew your face, they loved you so deeply, Ava Mei, like only parents and family can do. And they love you still. If you ever wonder why someone in your life would chose to walk away, know that they are the ones missing out, because you, Ava, are so special.
Even before I have met you, or held you, or heard you laugh, I can feel a calling, distinct on your life. It is not for me to know what all that calling is, but there is a calling there. Perhaps I am wrong, but i sense a sweet, loving, caring, laid back, joyful, happy, deep, sensitive, thoughtful personality in you. Don't be afraid, though, as you get older, to step out of your little life, and let that flame flicker brightly. I can assure you of this: You are called, you have a destiny. You're very life is proof of that fact. Abba God placed his hand on you and cleared the path for you to come into the world, just as he is clearing the path for you're life.
You are a light. Shine beautifully, Beautiful Ava!
Love, Lissie
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
"When one door closes, another door opens..."
Or in my case, 'when one journal ends, another one begins.'
It's a strangely sad feeling, but happy too! It's just that i've poured my heart onto those pages, vented on those pages, processed on those pages, cried on those pages (or tried too), took sermon notes on those pages, and just had that little journal with me as I did life. And it became a strange attachment and security. Cuz it's mine, it holds little pieces of me. But the happy things is, now i get to start a new journal, and fill it with more of my heart.
I'm not really sure what else to say, other than this. My Abba is a good god. My Abba is a faithful god. My abba keeps his promises. My Abba will complete the work he began. My Abba is coming for my heart. My Abba will make my heart whole. My Abba will always be. My Abba will always love me. My Abba is so good to me.
It's a strangely sad feeling, but happy too! It's just that i've poured my heart onto those pages, vented on those pages, processed on those pages, cried on those pages (or tried too), took sermon notes on those pages, and just had that little journal with me as I did life. And it became a strange attachment and security. Cuz it's mine, it holds little pieces of me. But the happy things is, now i get to start a new journal, and fill it with more of my heart.
I'm not really sure what else to say, other than this. My Abba is a good god. My Abba is a faithful god. My abba keeps his promises. My Abba will complete the work he began. My Abba is coming for my heart. My Abba will make my heart whole. My Abba will always be. My Abba will always love me. My Abba is so good to me.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Growing Pains
Bittersweet describes chocolate, but it also describes growing up pretty well. I mean, there is so much that I'm enjoying and so much I'm looking forward to, in life. But there is a huge part of me that sometimes deeply desires and longs for the care-free, oblivious, wonderful childhood that I knew. And I am well aware of the fact that I had an unusually sweet growing up, but that only makes leaving it harder.
Sometimes, I feel so ready to conquer the world; so ready to begin my, the life that God has called me to, but at other times I feel so small, so little, so insignificant. and then there are times of just feeling plain overwhelmed. So growing up consists of alot more than just some leg pain, it's my life changing, and Abba is teaching me to bend to His will and His plans for me. (but that doesn't always change the fact that I can't see where this is going.)
I'm amazed at the speed at which the human heart can switch emotions though. It's truly amazing ;)
I've been reading Psalms and Proverbs before bed, and I am truly enjoying it. I feel like it doesn't matter how many times I read Psalms, they always speak to me in different ways. My thoughts are with my dear friend, Emily, who is following the call God has placed on her life, and is in her 2nd to final stage of a 6 month DTS. I miss her alot! but I am so very, very proud to have her inspire me! Know where she's been and come from, and knowing the amazing plans God has for her life, makes it bearable to be separated from her for this long.
And my heart is learning to wait. Restlessly, sometimes, but it's learning. I suppose it doesn't have much of a choice, for Abba is teaching me this lesson of actively waiting, but it doesn't mean that my heart catches on right away....:P
So for now, there hasn't been too much to write about, just the little things in my life that are shaping me and transforming me into someone, into something, that is beautiful. Something that is complete. Something that is exactly what Abba wants it to be! And I will hold on to that hope!
Sometimes, I feel so ready to conquer the world; so ready to begin my, the life that God has called me to, but at other times I feel so small, so little, so insignificant. and then there are times of just feeling plain overwhelmed. So growing up consists of alot more than just some leg pain, it's my life changing, and Abba is teaching me to bend to His will and His plans for me. (but that doesn't always change the fact that I can't see where this is going.)
I'm amazed at the speed at which the human heart can switch emotions though. It's truly amazing ;)
I've been reading Psalms and Proverbs before bed, and I am truly enjoying it. I feel like it doesn't matter how many times I read Psalms, they always speak to me in different ways. My thoughts are with my dear friend, Emily, who is following the call God has placed on her life, and is in her 2nd to final stage of a 6 month DTS. I miss her alot! but I am so very, very proud to have her inspire me! Know where she's been and come from, and knowing the amazing plans God has for her life, makes it bearable to be separated from her for this long.
And my heart is learning to wait. Restlessly, sometimes, but it's learning. I suppose it doesn't have much of a choice, for Abba is teaching me this lesson of actively waiting, but it doesn't mean that my heart catches on right away....:P
So for now, there hasn't been too much to write about, just the little things in my life that are shaping me and transforming me into someone, into something, that is beautiful. Something that is complete. Something that is exactly what Abba wants it to be! And I will hold on to that hope!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
butterflies and things
as a little girl, I always thought butterflies were beautiful, but not something completely awe-inspiring, or captivating. they held a place in life and I remember the joy of watching one flutter by. But recently they have taken on a new meaning to me. Something deeper; more revealing. They reflect a part of my heart that has started to identify with their short lives, and their beautiful flight and their blossoming and blooming process. They have become a symbol of...me. let me explain a little more and tell you a couple things that have really confirmed and encouraged me :)
The very first time that I was compared to a butterfly was by my daddy. Which, by itself, is special to me. But even more so because the time in which it was said was a very intense time. And daddy used it to encourage me that, even though I couldn't see it, he was watching me break out of my cocoon, and become a beautiful butterfly. The person I was created to be. And that I was almost there, that my wings weren't fully out, that you couldn't see the full beauty yet, but it was soon. it was coming. and it was beautiful. And that really stood out to me.
The more I journey into me, and who i am created to be; called to be; chosen to be; destined to be; the more i feel a connection to the life and beauty of the butterfly. The challenge of being nothing, the hardship of being wrapped up and hoping for something more, the pain and fight to breakout, but the joy and beauty and freedom of the first flight.and that first glance in a pond to see the wonderful creation they are. they have come to symbolize where i am, where I've been and where I'm going. And they remind me that this isn't gonna last forever, I'm not always gonna be fight and wait, not knowing if I'm beautiful, or if i can fly, or what the world looks like, it's gonna pass, and when it does, it's gonna be a beautiful thing. It's gonna be beyond words. And i hold onto that hope. Onto that promise.
It was confirmed for me at Christmastime. one of my dear friends gave me a journal all over the cover are butterflies, flying in freedom. and the only word on the cover is this..."Treasured." how very special to me! And then this week, I have been working on Save the Date reminders for my 18th birthday/graduation party and there was a design that i ended up choosing, and on it it has a butterfly kind of blossoming out of flowers! and i just really think that it fits perfectly. I put two different quotes on it, but since everyone reading this (at least everyone subscribed) will get an invite, you'll have to wait and see ;)
So as i wait, i'm remaining. I'm chosing the hard way out. of living and not dying. of letting the battle strengthen me and not destroy me.
The very first time that I was compared to a butterfly was by my daddy. Which, by itself, is special to me. But even more so because the time in which it was said was a very intense time. And daddy used it to encourage me that, even though I couldn't see it, he was watching me break out of my cocoon, and become a beautiful butterfly. The person I was created to be. And that I was almost there, that my wings weren't fully out, that you couldn't see the full beauty yet, but it was soon. it was coming. and it was beautiful. And that really stood out to me.
The more I journey into me, and who i am created to be; called to be; chosen to be; destined to be; the more i feel a connection to the life and beauty of the butterfly. The challenge of being nothing, the hardship of being wrapped up and hoping for something more, the pain and fight to breakout, but the joy and beauty and freedom of the first flight.and that first glance in a pond to see the wonderful creation they are. they have come to symbolize where i am, where I've been and where I'm going. And they remind me that this isn't gonna last forever, I'm not always gonna be fight and wait, not knowing if I'm beautiful, or if i can fly, or what the world looks like, it's gonna pass, and when it does, it's gonna be a beautiful thing. It's gonna be beyond words. And i hold onto that hope. Onto that promise.
It was confirmed for me at Christmastime. one of my dear friends gave me a journal all over the cover are butterflies, flying in freedom. and the only word on the cover is this..."Treasured." how very special to me! And then this week, I have been working on Save the Date reminders for my 18th birthday/graduation party and there was a design that i ended up choosing, and on it it has a butterfly kind of blossoming out of flowers! and i just really think that it fits perfectly. I put two different quotes on it, but since everyone reading this (at least everyone subscribed) will get an invite, you'll have to wait and see ;)
So as i wait, i'm remaining. I'm chosing the hard way out. of living and not dying. of letting the battle strengthen me and not destroy me.
Monday, January 3, 2011
While I have time...:)
Oh my! I was gonna write back sometime 2 weeks ago, and then didn't. And then i was gonna post last week, but didn't. So now, while i have time, I'll post a little something starting with this...
Simeon was my name exchange. I really don't know what all to say except this: as the youngest of five children, he has his own battles to come thru, some of which are a result of his (less than) perfect siblings, but some of which are just sin nature. My littlest brother and I share a strange likeness of personality. Simeon and I are the two who are most outgoing, stubborn, strong-willed and outspoken. When we fight, we fight verbally and emotionally. But we also understand each other in a way that none of the other family does. Often, when we have driven Mom, Dad and Abigail away because of a mood we're in, it's the other one to come and try to bring some sunshine and comfort. As we continue to grow, I'm excited to see what's in store for us. Fighting thru ourselves to get to the other...it's a fight worth fighting. (And because i know he reads this) I love you Simeon! I remember the day you were born. I remember your chubby little checks and being so proud of having another sibling! I know that many times we butt heads, but inside you hold a place that can never be destroyed. You understand me in a different way, and I've no doubt that you would be the first to bale me out of jail if i needed it (not that i would EVER do anything like that ;) ) I would do anything in my power to rescue you and help you. You are so special, never forget that! I love you.
And it's a mere 9 days until I become an adult. funny. i thought you were supposed to be grown up when you were a "grown up"! haha! I guess not! Oh 2011, welcome welcome!
If 2011 is anything like 2010, it's gonna be an amazing year!
And with that, the coffee has finished brewing and I've got places to go and people to see, so i'm gonna log off and post again...later ;)
Simeon was my name exchange. I really don't know what all to say except this: as the youngest of five children, he has his own battles to come thru, some of which are a result of his (less than) perfect siblings, but some of which are just sin nature. My littlest brother and I share a strange likeness of personality. Simeon and I are the two who are most outgoing, stubborn, strong-willed and outspoken. When we fight, we fight verbally and emotionally. But we also understand each other in a way that none of the other family does. Often, when we have driven Mom, Dad and Abigail away because of a mood we're in, it's the other one to come and try to bring some sunshine and comfort. As we continue to grow, I'm excited to see what's in store for us. Fighting thru ourselves to get to the other...it's a fight worth fighting. (And because i know he reads this) I love you Simeon! I remember the day you were born. I remember your chubby little checks and being so proud of having another sibling! I know that many times we butt heads, but inside you hold a place that can never be destroyed. You understand me in a different way, and I've no doubt that you would be the first to bale me out of jail if i needed it (not that i would EVER do anything like that ;) ) I would do anything in my power to rescue you and help you. You are so special, never forget that! I love you.
And it's a mere 9 days until I become an adult. funny. i thought you were supposed to be grown up when you were a "grown up"! haha! I guess not! Oh 2011, welcome welcome!
If 2011 is anything like 2010, it's gonna be an amazing year!
And with that, the coffee has finished brewing and I've got places to go and people to see, so i'm gonna log off and post again...later ;)
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