So, finally, here is the blog I promised....explaining, but not defending my decision.
No. I'm not going back to Millersville University this spring. Yes, it has only been a semester. No, I don't have bad grades. No, I didn't fail out. Yes, I enjoyed myself. Yes, the program there is wonderful! No, I'm not anti-social and don't know how to make friends. Yes, it was hard, but not impossible. Yes, it was exactly where I needed to me....(wait...why are you leaving again??)
Alright, let me try my best to explain.
There comes a point where everything we can see fails us--that the call in our hearts no longer makes sense to us--but we still have a choice; to follow that calling, or to ignore it. And then, sometimes, I think I have it figured out. It's one of those times that I say, "Oh, I get it! This calling doesn't make sense, but here, I'll slap my logic onto it, and it will turn out like this! See, now it makes sense!"
Silly me. Will I ever learn that my ways simply are NOT His ways??
But anyway, that didn't really answer the questions that I began with. So, let's back up to January of this year....
January- I really wasn't planning on attending college, let alone Millersville. I don't know why, I just didn't want to. I certainly didn't think that the things that I wanted to do in college were a possibility, because I just didn't think I was good enough.
February- Well, God starts to move in my heart, and I begin to want to go to college, so I apply to Millersville University...a place close enough to home that I can be with my family, but still not a community college. I'm accepted as an undeclared major. (I still didn't think I'd be good enough for what I really wanted to do.)
March-On a whim (that could have only been a "God-Prompting") I email someone from the music department at Millersville to see if there's any chance since I've never been classically trained in music. I figured that way I can always say I tried. The email I receive back was from Dr. Houlahan, Chair of the music department--He wanted to get a phone number to call me. I'm on the phone with him within 10 mins. On that call, he does a brief interview that included me singing to him, concludes that I can indeed sing, and right away emails one of the voice professors to set up lessons to prepare of my audition into the music department. Meanwhile, because it was required, I submit my application to the music department, but Dr. Houlahan has reassured me that, as long as I can pass the audition, I'll be accepted.
April- I go once a week to MU to prepare for my auditions. Professor Sims worked with me (did I mention for FREE) so that I would be prepared. They were some of the best voice lessons I have ever taken.
May-I audition (past the deadline) into the music department at MU, formally interview with Dr. Houlahan, and am officially accepted into the program I didn't think I was good enough for.
Whew...The story isn't even over yet.
June, July, and the beginning of August are filled with excitement for what's in store, for what's coming next, and an underlying peace remains in my heart; I know that this is right.
End of August- orientation....(drum roll) ALRIGHT!!! CAN I LEAVE COLLEGE BEFORE I START...and the overwhelming anxiety, that I've fought so hard to contain, breaks loose and I wonder what on earth I'm doing at this school, in this program. And I'm scared to death. BUT...but...I KNOW that this is right still. This is where I need to be. To leave, would be to deny the calling. So I stay, and I begin the journey of college. The peace remains deep within my heart, which reassures me that this. is. right. (you can read a post from that time)
And so I journeyed through college and settled into the rhythm and pattern of life as a collage student. But I wanted to leave. And I knew, absolutely knew, that I couldn't.
I don't quit. I just don't. That's not programmed into me. I don't take the easy way out. I don't just do what the crowd does. And to leave then, wasn't an option. Because, to me, leaving just because it was hard, wasn't even an option. I knew I had to stay. And I knew that God wanted me to stay. And He wouldn't tell me how long I had to stay. Just that for now, for this moment, I had to stay.
And mid-October rolled around, and I suddenly realized that I could do this! No, it wasn't easier. But I could do it. And I was learning things left and right, about music, about me and about God. And I was staying.
And so, I stayed. And I committed to doing my best, whatever that looked like, committing my heart to being there, and did just that.
So November rolls around...and I begin to think of leaving. Not because it was too hard. Not because I wasn't good enough. Not because I couldn't do it. But because I wasn't sure that that was where I was suppose to /stay/. But I kind of talked it out with my parents, but just couldn't make sense of why God would have called me to some place and all of the sudden ask me to leave...It didn't make sense in my mind. So, I wrestled with it. And struggled through it. And prayed a lot for wisdom.
But as I wrestled, God began to bring up lessons that I was learning, or had learned in this semester of college; lessons far to vast for me to type out and put down in a blog. Lessons that included, but were not limited to, God's absolute provision, above and beyond my expectations. how the little things in life really make life sweeter. How to choose to see things through his eyes and perspective. How to lean on him, every moment of every day. How faithful and good he is. How He so desperately wants to be my support and is so ready to give me the strength to face the day and breath encouragement and life, if I'd only ask. Lessons of peace, patience and joy. And on and on...
And only after I acknowledged all these lessons (and was really impressed that God has done all that so gently and without my knowing), did He begin to give me the understanding that to learn all these lessons, about me, about Him, about life, it would be easiest (not to be confused with easy) if I was at school, where I had to be in the middle of the very things that would leave me flailing around, trying to keep from drowning, and, in turn, push me closer to Him.
So, yes, that is what led to this decision. And yes, it was INCREDIBLY difficult to make. But somehow, I thought that making the decision was the hard part, but I realized that it really didn't get easier...those questions as the beginning are the typically asked (or unasked, but wanted to be asked) questions that I deal with now. I'm also now going to be working full-time, and starting to build my cleaning business (which is another whole story :) )
And there is so much more I could share, but since this post is growing incredibly long, I hope that you have a very merry and blessed Christmas and holiday season!
