Stay with me. please.

Tuesday morning i was out on my run. Enjoy moving and breathing and listening to my music. Loving letting my mind rest as my spirit comunicated with my Abba thru silent words. And my mind was thinking over the worship songs that i had chosen for youth group that eveing (i was leading :) ) To say i "heard" God tell me something, would be false, but God placed an impression that He wanted to do something big, something new, something different with my worship that evening. I sensed that He wanted me to be open, because He wanted to move. I even felt that He wanted me to share something. So my super spiritual response was this,
"Ok. I'll just plan out something good to say. think...."
"No, Lis. Don't plan this out. I want to speak. Will you be my voice?"

I felt like this was true, that i wasn't just making this up, so i called Carl to ask if he would be open to this. Open to the fact that God might move. I didn't say would (i'm still learning to trust His voice)

Alright, skip ahead to dinner time. All the sudden, everything was wrong! I felt this surge of...i'm not sure...a surge of bad emotions. failure. defeat. depression. anxiety. Feelings that were once so familar to me, but hadn't been around for a long time. They all came surging back. But i didn't really face them. I just ate dinner and rushed off to get to youth group. But then i realized. "I don't wanna do this Abba! I'm scared. Those feelings only signaled the fact that i'm engaging in a spirital war (again). And that whatever was about to happen, whatever God had, was right." But this was my heart cry, "I don't want to do this alone !" "elisabeth, you've told me before that same thing. My reply then was 'i will never leave you.' It hasn't changed now. I am with you. I will be with you. Always. Forever."

Tuesday evening was better than i could have every planned. Abba was welcome, and He came.

If anyone has looked outside today, you'll realize it's raining. Only the perfect symbol for my life since Tuesday night. With victory and joy, usually comes warfare taken up against us my one who hates us and the plans for us.

Last night I was telling God, "I'm so tired! I'm tired of walking thru the fire. I'm tired of having to fight! I'm tired of all this!" So Abba talked to me and listened to me, and i am renewed to fight. But only if Abba won't leave. And he promised me he wouldn't. So i'm remaining strong. Right now, I don't feel the joy, but i know that it's still there. It will return. For now, I just have to remain. I just have to stand in it and live in it, but never alone. With Abba, My Savior!

And the other day, I woke up to this song on the radio!

Je Suis Jolie

I. Am. Beautiful.

Now before you think i'm all full of myself, I want you to get up go to the nearest mirror and say these words, "I am beautiful."

Recently, Abba has been placing on my heart this truth: that HE made me beautiful. He is the beautiful one, and I am created in his image. God recently challenged me, "Lis, when you look in the mirror, into your eyes, do you know that you're looking into my heart? Do you know that i created you perfectly? I don't make mistakes and i wasn't gonna start with you. You are exactly who i wanted you to be. I chose you. I destined you. I am shaping you. I have called you. Live it! You. Are. Beautiful. Whose voice will you allow to be louder? The media, who you can never satisfy, or me?"

You remember the saying, "if you don't suceed the first time, try and try again?" Yah, that's been me over the past week or so. "Ugh...breakout, bad hair day, yucky. Wait...Abba made me beautiful. But like this?..." "Lis, I think you look beautiful today." "Umm...God, have you seen me this morning? I look awful." "No. You are beautiful!" I've struggled for so long against this. trying to satisfy the media, but never measuring up. And while I still can't fully believe that I am beautiful, it's begining to become reality. And sometimes God asks me to believe without seeing. He askes me just to walk in it. Just to say it to myself when i don't feel like i measure up. Just to KNOW, not even believe that i am beautiful to him.

And a dear friend sent me this last week....

And i decided...

finally! I found a name that fits! and i love it! {but that can be a story for later.}

I love writing {i don't always have much time ;) } But I do love to. And i started thinking to myself, after i finished one of my journals, "you know, some of the stuff i write i wanna share! i don't just want it to sit in my journal and never do anything! If i am struggling, or if I'm encouraged, then probably someone else is too!"

So i figured I'd make a blog. I can write on here some of what God shows me {in all my wisdom ;) }

So enjoy taking a peek into my life, sometimes into my heart, and into my writings!