It's not my choice.

These past couple days have been really...rough. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure when it started. I don't exactly know how to get out of it, or what I'm fighting. But I know, I've hit a low that I haven't been at for a LONG time. :(

Needless to say, I didn't feel like being at church today. And as I rushed out of the door, I forgot to grab something important that i needed for after church. And I remembered...as we pulled in the parking lot. So, I had to get back in the van, and drive home to get it, and drive back, and i knew i was gonna be late, which drives me nuts! So I i arrive worship had just begun [OK i was speeding a little ;) ] and i was like, "God, I know that i need to worship you, but i don't feel like it at all." So i started flagging hoping my heart would follow. And as i did i was able to draw into Abba. and let everything fade away. It didn't matter that i was late. or that i had a bad day yesterday. or that i had just guzzled a cup of coffee. it was just Abba and me. And i was able to just talk to God and I started say that He is powerful, mighty, worthy of my praise and worship. And somewhere, deep inside, i knew that it was my job to worship. and i was enjoying it. And God started saying, "it's not your choice to worship me. sometimes when you least feel like worshiping is when you need to. I am always faithful. I am always worthy of your praise. I am not shaken. Come. Worship. I will meet you. I forgive you. I can take your pain away." And usually, I like to wave these beautiful rose-colored flags: for love. romantic love, between me and my savior. But today, i was drawn to the deep red flags, also for love, but a deep passionate love. a love that came as blood. A love that is relentless. A love that is so faithful.

And as i finished worshiping, God reminded me. The sun will come again, even if right now I'm in the pouring rain. And even in my darkest night, there will be a light, a flickering flame. And even if i feel all alone, I never am. Because, i don't have to feel it, I just need to trust. Because what is trust if you don't have to believe?