I know, I know! I said i was gonna right. And I really did sign on a couple times to write again, but then I'd try to start writing and i still couldn't explain it. I can't explain it. I still am processing, but you know what? I don't think I'm gonna have things figured out anytime soon. So, I guess you could say, I've processed enough of some things to write.
What Abba has been placing on my heart recently, is love. what love truly is. And I'll try to explain myself, but i don't know if i can. Cuz I'm still processing ;) But here it goes...
I've known all my life that God loved us enough to send Jesus to die for us. And Jesus loved us enough to die for us; to follow thru. And recently, I've been grasping what that truly means. But it's like I'm coming to a completely new understanding of love.
The easiest way to explain it is this: if you look up the Latin or Greek word 'love' they both have 3 variations. 1)love for a friend--such as a brother/sister, mother/father, best friend. 2)love in a deep, romantic way--wife/husband. 3)God's love.--loving God. God loving us. a "holy,reverent" love.
So I've been trying to get my head around this, and God's been showing me this...while some of these have different characterise (such as, you wouldn't feel romantic love for a parent...:O ) they are also similar too. Each of them, would lay down their life for the person that they love. They are all selfless. They are all strong. They all follow 1 Corinthians 13. Here's the catch...God is all of them. He is my lover. My father. My best friend. My brother. My mother. My companion. so i had to say that to preface this next part...;)
Love. What truly is love? How am i truly loving? what am i doing in EVERY situation to truly love? I have a couple things that I've been processing. the first is this. Love hurts sometimes....
My heart was beating hard--the butterflies were in full flight around my stomic--as the runners stepped up to the line. focus. you can do this. run hard. finish. I froze as the official called out, "runners! On your mark!" and raised his hands; one holding the starter gun, the other holding that familiar bright, orange flag. Bang! The gun went off, the flag dropped to his side. and as one person the 200 runners lept into action. 400 pairs of feet, running toward the same goal. Each runner thinking the same things. And as those 200 runners begins to settle into a steady stream, I realized. I'm not moving. My feet aren't going. I am not a step closer to the finish line than when that gun went off. And it hits me full force. I am only a spectator. And it was like standing by the ocean and having a wave splash onto your leg-right into a cut that is open and still raw. Because last year the knife cut into a special part of my heart, as I ran in the final meet of the year; the state championships for cross country. And it was plunged further in, as finished my run on Lehigh University's indoor track in the elite meet. And it was finally rammed the rest of the way in and twisted around as I ran at the District 3 championships for outdoor track. But over the summer, my wound was stitched. And it had a nice band-aid over it. And for those brief months, I thought that all that remained was a bit of scar tissue under the scar, but I couldn't have been more wrong. And i was just standing there while all the stitches popped out revealing my open scar. And I was truly happy to be there, because I was there for a reason...to cheer my brother on and his team-mates, but my heart really hurt! And i know that sounds like I'm being over reactive, (and ok...maybe i used some stronger English ;) ) but if you've never been there, i guess you have no idea what I'm talking about, but if you have...so anyway. I was tell my dad that it wasn't really comfortable to be there. actually, that it wasn't much fun at all. and his response? We can go. We don't have to stay. (see my daddy is like me. instead of 5 wonderful years of cross country we both only ran our 11th and 12th grade years. so he really understands :) ) but when he said that, my heart jumped up and started to protest. And i asked myself, "self, if you don't like being here, then why don't you just leave? Are you just trying to hold onto your past. still living in what used to define you?" and i could honestly say that i wasn't. so I'm standing there wondering why on earth I'm still standing there and wishing that i didn't feel that way and God spoke to me. "Lis, you have just understood more deeply what love is. the reason why you stay is because you truly love your brother." wow.
And so i began another step in my journey of understanding me. and understanding what it is to love. and understanding that love stands in the pain and, even in the pain, it loves no less. And then i suppose that God thought that i was figuring that out enough and he threw something else at me. and this ties to falling into love (see my past entry...)
I was on an overnight hike with my youth group. Let me tell you, the things you learn around a camp fire after a big day...;) But i was talking to one of my dear friends who is wise beyond her years. We where talking about, yes you guess it..., boys :P anyway. we were talking about alot of stuff and it got me thinking. and i started to understand what i had been processing for awhile--i could finally put it into words.
I never considered myself a "chaser." A girl who chases guys and gets them to like her and on and on. But as i watched myself and looked deeper into me. and discovered my heart, i realized that i do chase. Not as obviously as some do, but i set myself up to be noticed, or liked, or pursued. and more than that, it was in my head and my heart. but the problem with chasing is that you're only chasing so that you can control the relationship. And as I was talking to my friend she told me about this song. It's called Enough To Let You Go by Switchfoot. Look it up :) but the part that had struck her, and had blown me over were these lyrics...
Do you love me enough to let me go?Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through, to let me fall for you, my love
Do you love me enough to let me go?
And so as i processed God was telling me that to truly love someone (and romantically, but also as friends) you have to love them enough to let them go. And when you can do that you can fall into. and i know that someday falling into love will lead to falling in love, but for now Abba is asking me to fall for him. to let him be my lover. to learn to fall in, and into, love.
So that's what's been spinning around. And i still haven't figured it all out. but there's a start. And it all started with a letter mommy put in my suitcase before i left for Mexico this summer...:)
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