Redemption vs. Regret

...There are so many places i could start...there are so many things i could say...there's so much i could ramble on about...there's so many words, and thought and feelings, but i'm gonna try, notice /try/ to give an update on something really close to my heart recently...so hold on, get the popcorn, and read away...:P

This past month...wow. Can i just say, nope. i can't. i don't even know how to sum it all up. lol. I've been working (which is such a blessing...besides the money provision, it's been so good! the lesson's i've learned [how to work with...ahem...different...kinds of employers, to just giving my mind a track to run on] it's just been a blessing....) two part time jobs. But inside, personally, alot has been going on. In my heart, in my head, in my spirit. I've really learned something; there /is/ healing in pain. This past month i've had to face some pain that i didn't really think i was gonna have to face for awhile. I thought that i had pretty well established that i /wasn't/ ready. but you know god, he has different plans. and i guess he decided that /now/ was a fine time for me to learn. So, thus began another part of my journey. and i felt strongly at the beginning of this that i had two options; I could close my heart, deny, avoid, and run away. Or i could remain open, vulnerable, and fully alive, fully living from my true heart. But i had to decided. and that was the line. What i decided would change things. I couldn't not decided. and i chose...I chose to remain open, knowing that that would bring pain, but knowing that the other way, i just couldn't go back there again...And with that knowledge, abba began...

Because of the lack of personal touch that this lovely Internet gives us, i'm not gonna go into details, besides it would take me f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to write a month's worth of processing, but i really wanna blog about redemption...

At one point, i was talking to God about some decisions i had made. and i was saying, "Abba, this regret is such a different emotion for me. I've never really lived in regret. I've always seen the redemption." Well, God (what does he think he is? almighty or something? :P) told me this, "Lis, that's becuz you could /see/ it. you were either looking in hind-sight, or you could see the big picture...so, just becuz you can't /see/ it now, does that mean you're just gonna stop believing in the redemption? Or are you gonna /trust/ that it is coming. that restoration and redemption is coming?"
Well, yah, i suppose that makes sense. no wonder i didn't feel like myself...ok. so i'll just stop regretting...that's a choice. it is. But a choice that i made. and it's soooo freeing. Redemption is coming. I know that. But that means that i can't live in regret anymore. I can't have both. I had to decide. And i chose redemption. and i still choose redemption. I can't see all the picture. i can't even guess at what restoration will look like. but it's that hope. that trust. and that's been on my heart alot lately. to trust. to hope. to believe. to keep standing.

Where have my friends been thru all this? What can i say? they all walked away...:P No! I don't think i could be standing without my friends. time and time again they have proven themselves to get my back, to walk beside, to encourage me, to help me stand, even to carry me, in times like these. and i am beyond grateful. I'm dumbfounded. I know full well that they could have walked away, and at times, i wouldn't have blamed them...but they didn't only stay. they drew closer. And, wow, i have amazing friends! :D

So, it's past my bedtime, and i need to go...I know this post probably doesn't make much sense, but you can just get together with me sometime...we can talk then...;)

Remain. "The shadows prove the sunshine..."

(out of ideas for the title)

Wow. There has been so much going on lately. Working two part time jobs is exhausting and yet fulfilling in a very different and unique way.

This past week has been very odd, especially in the ways of my heart. My heart hasn't felt this alive in, hum....,forever? It's a strange and wonderful feeling, just to soak in the joy of a heart fully alive. Oh, it's not there yet, but there is a deep, deep place in my heart that only music and my Abba can touch. I imagine that when people talk of "being in love" a deep part of their heart comes alive like this, but for now, it's gonna stay gated off--closed--just for me and abba. well, and music. music stirs my heart in a deep, intense, passionate way that nothing else does. except god. and sometimes writing. and sometimes running. or dancing. or swinging. or walking in the rain. or sometimes...ok. but in this deep way, it's new. it's amazing. But I once read that with the opportunity for a heart fully alive, comes the opportunity for great pain. and i think that that is so true. Cuz in many ways this week has had this weird two layer sort of thing going on. the bottom layer is achy, but the over layer is this true joy. and true happiness. like the laughter and smiles, those haven't been fake or forced. they have truly been real. so it's kind of an odd place to be, but it's good.

so life keeps plugging along, and i've decided that the joy of a heart fully alive, is worth the pain that comes. so even when it's hard, i've been working to remain. in spite of the pain. becuz i've tasted the victory. i know that there will be an end. Remain strong!