So, finally, here is the blog I promised....explaining, but not defending my decision.
No. I'm not going back to Millersville University this spring. Yes, it has only been a semester. No, I don't have bad grades. No, I didn't fail out. Yes, I enjoyed myself. Yes, the program there is wonderful! No, I'm not anti-social and don't know how to make friends. Yes, it was hard, but not impossible. Yes, it was exactly where I needed to me....(wait...why are you leaving again??)
Alright, let me try my best to explain.
There comes a point where everything we can see fails us--that the call in our hearts no longer makes sense to us--but we still have a choice; to follow that calling, or to ignore it. And then, sometimes, I think I have it figured out. It's one of those times that I say, "Oh, I get it! This calling doesn't make sense, but here, I'll slap my logic onto it, and it will turn out like this! See, now it makes sense!"
Silly me. Will I ever learn that my ways simply are NOT His ways??
But anyway, that didn't really answer the questions that I began with. So, let's back up to January of this year....
January- I really wasn't planning on attending college, let alone Millersville. I don't know why, I just didn't want to. I certainly didn't think that the things that I wanted to do in college were a possibility, because I just didn't think I was good enough.
February- Well, God starts to move in my heart, and I begin to want to go to college, so I apply to Millersville University...a place close enough to home that I can be with my family, but still not a community college. I'm accepted as an undeclared major. (I still didn't think I'd be good enough for what I really wanted to do.)
March-On a whim (that could have only been a "God-Prompting") I email someone from the music department at Millersville to see if there's any chance since I've never been classically trained in music. I figured that way I can always say I tried. The email I receive back was from Dr. Houlahan, Chair of the music department--He wanted to get a phone number to call me. I'm on the phone with him within 10 mins. On that call, he does a brief interview that included me singing to him, concludes that I can indeed sing, and right away emails one of the voice professors to set up lessons to prepare of my audition into the music department. Meanwhile, because it was required, I submit my application to the music department, but Dr. Houlahan has reassured me that, as long as I can pass the audition, I'll be accepted.
April- I go once a week to MU to prepare for my auditions. Professor Sims worked with me (did I mention for FREE) so that I would be prepared. They were some of the best voice lessons I have ever taken.
May-I audition (past the deadline) into the music department at MU, formally interview with Dr. Houlahan, and am officially accepted into the program I didn't think I was good enough for.
Whew...The story isn't even over yet.
June, July, and the beginning of August are filled with excitement for what's in store, for what's coming next, and an underlying peace remains in my heart; I know that this is right.
End of August- orientation....(drum roll) ALRIGHT!!! CAN I LEAVE COLLEGE BEFORE I START...and the overwhelming anxiety, that I've fought so hard to contain, breaks loose and I wonder what on earth I'm doing at this school, in this program. And I'm scared to death. BUT...but...I KNOW that this is right still. This is where I need to be. To leave, would be to deny the calling. So I stay, and I begin the journey of college. The peace remains deep within my heart, which reassures me that this. is. right. (you can read a post from that time)
And so I journeyed through college and settled into the rhythm and pattern of life as a collage student. But I wanted to leave. And I knew, absolutely knew, that I couldn't.
I don't quit. I just don't. That's not programmed into me. I don't take the easy way out. I don't just do what the crowd does. And to leave then, wasn't an option. Because, to me, leaving just because it was hard, wasn't even an option. I knew I had to stay. And I knew that God wanted me to stay. And He wouldn't tell me how long I had to stay. Just that for now, for this moment, I had to stay.
And mid-October rolled around, and I suddenly realized that I could do this! No, it wasn't easier. But I could do it. And I was learning things left and right, about music, about me and about God. And I was staying.
And so, I stayed. And I committed to doing my best, whatever that looked like, committing my heart to being there, and did just that.
So November rolls around...and I begin to think of leaving. Not because it was too hard. Not because I wasn't good enough. Not because I couldn't do it. But because I wasn't sure that that was where I was suppose to /stay/. But I kind of talked it out with my parents, but just couldn't make sense of why God would have called me to some place and all of the sudden ask me to leave...It didn't make sense in my mind. So, I wrestled with it. And struggled through it. And prayed a lot for wisdom.
But as I wrestled, God began to bring up lessons that I was learning, or had learned in this semester of college; lessons far to vast for me to type out and put down in a blog. Lessons that included, but were not limited to, God's absolute provision, above and beyond my expectations. how the little things in life really make life sweeter. How to choose to see things through his eyes and perspective. How to lean on him, every moment of every day. How faithful and good he is. How He so desperately wants to be my support and is so ready to give me the strength to face the day and breath encouragement and life, if I'd only ask. Lessons of peace, patience and joy. And on and on...
And only after I acknowledged all these lessons (and was really impressed that God has done all that so gently and without my knowing), did He begin to give me the understanding that to learn all these lessons, about me, about Him, about life, it would be easiest (not to be confused with easy) if I was at school, where I had to be in the middle of the very things that would leave me flailing around, trying to keep from drowning, and, in turn, push me closer to Him.
So, yes, that is what led to this decision. And yes, it was INCREDIBLY difficult to make. But somehow, I thought that making the decision was the hard part, but I realized that it really didn't get easier...those questions as the beginning are the typically asked (or unasked, but wanted to be asked) questions that I deal with now. I'm also now going to be working full-time, and starting to build my cleaning business (which is another whole story :) )
And there is so much more I could share, but since this post is growing incredibly long, I hope that you have a very merry and blessed Christmas and holiday season!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Lessons from a...tree...
Our house like so many others, have traditions, especially around Christmastime.
For as long as I can remember, my family has had a tradition that on December 1st we "set up Christmas". We begin our time with dancing to Big Fat Santa and Santa Clause is Coming to Town (and as the years move on, my younger siblings have started to request that the shades get shut so the neighbors can't see :P ) After that, we set up the decorations. We don't go "all out", the front of our house doesn't really "look" like Christmas, but inside we decorate with items that, might not be the "best" but that have character and meaning; Our advent calendar that even have been enjoyed by the dogs (hence the teeth marks) and that we rotate who gets to put the piece on to count down the days until Christmas, the stars that hang from our dining room light, given to us by our Grandma from her dog, Star. The cookie cutters in red and green, shaped like bells and stars that no one knows where they came from. The wooden nativity that half the pieces are officially MIA. The big red bow around the mail box.The garland and poinsettias hung above our fire place, concealing the hooks that we hang our stockings on, stockings that were knit by our Grandma. And our tree. That itself is a tradition. We all go down and carry up our "artificial" tree (only we've all gotten much older and can't fit 2 people plus a big box through the doorway). And then we go back down and carry up our box of ornaments. Each of us have our own that contain ornaments dating back to our first Christmas. And then the "set up". Every year, without fail, we argue over who gets "call out" the instructions. And after that little argument is resolved we go to work putting all the branches on, mom strings the the lights on and put the top on, daddy puts the star (that's far to heavy for the poor tree) on, and all the kids put our ornaments on, or at least as many as we can fit :P
But slowly those things change a little. They're still there, but instead of just mom writing down a name for the "caller of the instructions", last year she added "or so and so's boyfriend/girlfriend", which we all thought was funny, but I realized that it's TRUE. Last year it was quite possible that that would be the case, and it really is this year.
And as I sat, processing through the bittersweetness of this season, coming to terms with the fact that my childhood is over, that the "normal" my heart has been holding out for just isn't going to come back, I looked--really looked--at our tree. And thought about how UGLY it is.
I mean, this tree is so...artificial. So very, very ugly. And every year when I help set it up I think, "wow...time for a new tree soon??", but that night, sitting there with the lights glowing and the ornaments decorating it's (flimsy) branches, and the star dimly glowing, I smiled. Because that tree is one of the most beautiful and festive trees I have ever seen. It has character and it's ugliness all but disappears with the love that is symbolized by the ornaments. It's been part of our family, and has our memories attached to it. And I laughed, because suddenly, something so hideous, turns out to be the most beautiful, most really, most authentic.
For as long as I can remember, my family has had a tradition that on December 1st we "set up Christmas". We begin our time with dancing to Big Fat Santa and Santa Clause is Coming to Town (and as the years move on, my younger siblings have started to request that the shades get shut so the neighbors can't see :P ) After that, we set up the decorations. We don't go "all out", the front of our house doesn't really "look" like Christmas, but inside we decorate with items that, might not be the "best" but that have character and meaning; Our advent calendar that even have been enjoyed by the dogs (hence the teeth marks) and that we rotate who gets to put the piece on to count down the days until Christmas, the stars that hang from our dining room light, given to us by our Grandma from her dog, Star. The cookie cutters in red and green, shaped like bells and stars that no one knows where they came from. The wooden nativity that half the pieces are officially MIA. The big red bow around the mail box.The garland and poinsettias hung above our fire place, concealing the hooks that we hang our stockings on, stockings that were knit by our Grandma. And our tree. That itself is a tradition. We all go down and carry up our "artificial" tree (only we've all gotten much older and can't fit 2 people plus a big box through the doorway). And then we go back down and carry up our box of ornaments. Each of us have our own that contain ornaments dating back to our first Christmas. And then the "set up". Every year, without fail, we argue over who gets "call out" the instructions. And after that little argument is resolved we go to work putting all the branches on, mom strings the the lights on and put the top on, daddy puts the star (that's far to heavy for the poor tree) on, and all the kids put our ornaments on, or at least as many as we can fit :P
But slowly those things change a little. They're still there, but instead of just mom writing down a name for the "caller of the instructions", last year she added "or so and so's boyfriend/girlfriend", which we all thought was funny, but I realized that it's TRUE. Last year it was quite possible that that would be the case, and it really is this year.
And as I sat, processing through the bittersweetness of this season, coming to terms with the fact that my childhood is over, that the "normal" my heart has been holding out for just isn't going to come back, I looked--really looked--at our tree. And thought about how UGLY it is.
I mean, this tree is so...artificial. So very, very ugly. And every year when I help set it up I think, "wow...time for a new tree soon??", but that night, sitting there with the lights glowing and the ornaments decorating it's (flimsy) branches, and the star dimly glowing, I smiled. Because that tree is one of the most beautiful and festive trees I have ever seen. It has character and it's ugliness all but disappears with the love that is symbolized by the ornaments. It's been part of our family, and has our memories attached to it. And I laughed, because suddenly, something so hideous, turns out to be the most beautiful, most really, most authentic.
Monday, November 7, 2011
...And to those ones...
...The ones who fight. Valiantly.The ones who pick up the defense of those who cannot fight for themselves. The ones who have vowed to win...or die trying. The ones who understand and acknowledge that defeat is not an option anymore. To the brave, the dedicated, the loyal, the unsung warriors.
To the same ones who have lost sight of the victory. To the ones on their knees, in surrender of all they've fought to gain. To those who have surrender their sword at the request of the enemy, because they see no other way. To the ones who have come to believe the lies. To the ones that don't see their worth, their value, their honor. To the ones who have forgotten the quest; forgotten who they are.
I speak to the targeted, zoned in on, and attacked warriors. I speak to the men of this generation-my generation.
Your pain is not longer hidden, unseen, tucked away. Your fight is no longer just on your shoulders. One has come, ready to fight for you.
You have not failed; falling is not failing, it's just a chance to rise. You are not worthless, or unworthy, you are still called and chosen. Don't believe the lies, remember the light-the glory-that is rightfully yours. Choose to trust, even in the unseen. Choose to believe, the truth.
Brave hearts, don't forget your quest. don't forget the call. fight on. You will win if you fight.
To the same ones who have lost sight of the victory. To the ones on their knees, in surrender of all they've fought to gain. To those who have surrender their sword at the request of the enemy, because they see no other way. To the ones who have come to believe the lies. To the ones that don't see their worth, their value, their honor. To the ones who have forgotten the quest; forgotten who they are.
I speak to the targeted, zoned in on, and attacked warriors. I speak to the men of this generation-my generation.
Your pain is not longer hidden, unseen, tucked away. Your fight is no longer just on your shoulders. One has come, ready to fight for you.
You have not failed; falling is not failing, it's just a chance to rise. You are not worthless, or unworthy, you are still called and chosen. Don't believe the lies, remember the light-the glory-that is rightfully yours. Choose to trust, even in the unseen. Choose to believe, the truth.
Brave hearts, don't forget your quest. don't forget the call. fight on. You will win if you fight.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Josie's Song
One of the things I love doing is telling stories. Sometimes, I write stories about my life, sometimes I write metaphors, sometimes I write about someone I wish I was, and sometime I write about people. People who's life-story has impacted me, or who don't have a voice, or that amaze me. I firmly believe that everyone has a story, and every story should be told. It saddens when I hear people say that they don't have a story, and I wish I could show them that they do. That they have a story that isn't finished, a story that does impact the world, that does make a difference. But that's kind of a rabbit-trail to the real reason I'm blogging.
I wanted to write about someone who I've never meet, but I've heard about, seen pictures of, and prayed for. A young girl who, right now, is half way across the world, (hopefully) sleeping. A little girl named Josie.
Josie lives with a foster family in China. They love her dearly and have taken wonderful care of her, but she didn't have a forever family...until recently.
Dear friends of mine have been on the journey of adoption. Within the past 3 years, they have brought home two adorable little girls from China, but their hearts were stirred again, and they have listened. After quite some time, lots of prayer, uncertainty, fears, and joy, they have (finally) been matched to this little girl who captured their hearts on one of their previous visits to China!
So, that's the history. Now, this week as I was running, I was thinking, talking to Abba, and just listening to my music. As I listened to the words of the song that was playing, I was singing along. It's one of my favorite songs; one that gives me hope. But as I listened, Josie came to my mind. And as I listened again to the song, I felt like this was Josie's song.
Josie, I've never met you, yet I feel like I know you somehow. As I think about you, I really feel like you have the heart of a warrior, the spirit that is humble and merciful and thankful. Yet you have a strength that will overcome. You heart is full of faith. In my heart, I don't doubt that you will walk someday, unassisted because of your faith, that you will overcome the odds and what this world says you can do, and do it, because you believe. Faith that can move mountains, quiet peace. And when that day comes, there will be much rejoicing, yet I have a feeling that you will do it, not to prove them wrong, but rather simply because you trust. As this song plays, I thought of you. I cannot wait to meet you! Praying it's soon. Keep the faith, hold onto hope, and continue to trust.
Love, Lissie
What Faith Can Do by Kutless
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
I wanted to write about someone who I've never meet, but I've heard about, seen pictures of, and prayed for. A young girl who, right now, is half way across the world, (hopefully) sleeping. A little girl named Josie.
Josie lives with a foster family in China. They love her dearly and have taken wonderful care of her, but she didn't have a forever family...until recently.
Dear friends of mine have been on the journey of adoption. Within the past 3 years, they have brought home two adorable little girls from China, but their hearts were stirred again, and they have listened. After quite some time, lots of prayer, uncertainty, fears, and joy, they have (finally) been matched to this little girl who captured their hearts on one of their previous visits to China!
So, that's the history. Now, this week as I was running, I was thinking, talking to Abba, and just listening to my music. As I listened to the words of the song that was playing, I was singing along. It's one of my favorite songs; one that gives me hope. But as I listened, Josie came to my mind. And as I listened again to the song, I felt like this was Josie's song.
Josie, I've never met you, yet I feel like I know you somehow. As I think about you, I really feel like you have the heart of a warrior, the spirit that is humble and merciful and thankful. Yet you have a strength that will overcome. You heart is full of faith. In my heart, I don't doubt that you will walk someday, unassisted because of your faith, that you will overcome the odds and what this world says you can do, and do it, because you believe. Faith that can move mountains, quiet peace. And when that day comes, there will be much rejoicing, yet I have a feeling that you will do it, not to prove them wrong, but rather simply because you trust. As this song plays, I thought of you. I cannot wait to meet you! Praying it's soon. Keep the faith, hold onto hope, and continue to trust.
Love, Lissie
What Faith Can Do by Kutless
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
Thursday, September 29, 2011
October is approaching, and with that the colors of fall are beginning to show their faces again. The wind is cooling down, and the apples are at peak yumminess! And I am choosing to savor this time. Yes, I'm choosing to look around and remember the greatness of God, shown to me through the beauty of the changing trees.
Life is crazy. It's stressful, overwhelming, tiring, and, yet, I'm still standing; I'm finding my stride. I read through some of my journal entries from right before college started and they remind me and give me hope and strength to continue even through the toughest days.
I'm still learning a lot about everything. I'm still discovering more about me. and that. is. good.
Life is crazy. It's stressful, overwhelming, tiring, and, yet, I'm still standing; I'm finding my stride. I read through some of my journal entries from right before college started and they remind me and give me hope and strength to continue even through the toughest days.
I'm still learning a lot about everything. I'm still discovering more about me. and that. is. good.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Consumed
College started this past Monday, a mere 4 days ago. All I can say is this: I'm still standing, I'm still breathing, and I still believe in God.
No, honestly, college is...good...I think. It's very different and right now I still feel like i'm in survival mode, but my parents are my rock through this. Right now, it's their encouragement that gets me through. The first two days of college, actually, the orientation (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday), the weekend, and then, the first two days of college, it was honestly like everything broke inside me...basically, I cried more those days than I have in the past five months. But...I made it. And here I am. And here God is. In the midst...
...And He is calling, asking to be allowed to consume my life to the point that everything I say and do is saturated with his love, his covering, his joy, his strength; Him. And He doesn't want the 10 minutes a day. He wants me to let him into EVERYTHING I do. He wants to come with me when I'm driving. He wants to be the one sitting with me in class. When I start to feel panic rising in my heart during the lecture, He wants me to talk to him about it...right then. He wants to be with me on my run. He wants to consume me. To show me and teach me how to journey deeper, even in this new phase. Not just the "dedicated" time.
Stay Strong...Remaining Strong.
No, honestly, college is...good...I think. It's very different and right now I still feel like i'm in survival mode, but my parents are my rock through this. Right now, it's their encouragement that gets me through. The first two days of college, actually, the orientation (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday), the weekend, and then, the first two days of college, it was honestly like everything broke inside me...basically, I cried more those days than I have in the past five months. But...I made it. And here I am. And here God is. In the midst...
...And He is calling, asking to be allowed to consume my life to the point that everything I say and do is saturated with his love, his covering, his joy, his strength; Him. And He doesn't want the 10 minutes a day. He wants me to let him into EVERYTHING I do. He wants to come with me when I'm driving. He wants to be the one sitting with me in class. When I start to feel panic rising in my heart during the lecture, He wants me to talk to him about it...right then. He wants to be with me on my run. He wants to consume me. To show me and teach me how to journey deeper, even in this new phase. Not just the "dedicated" time.
Stay Strong...Remaining Strong.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
My Heart's Desire
Today, as I was pondering my life and processing through where I am, I had a thought that made me halt my thinking, rewind, and pause again to gaze curiously at this new revelation. It boiled down the the fact that I am standing in the coming-of-age chapter of life that I, at one time, could only imagine.
After coming to that rather shocking revelation, I just let my thoughts flutter around like butterflies, flying where they wanted to. They didn't rest on questions like, "I wonder when I'll start to date" or "I wonder who I'll get married to". Instead, they flutter around and rested on a chord in my heart, a chord that simply asks, "what does my heart desire most? what does it desperately want?" I don't know if I'm unique, or strange, but often I answer my own questions as I processes. And so my heart began to answer my mind. My heart desires to know it is treasured. My heart wants someone to tell me every single day that I am loved. My heart desires to know that it's captivating and beautiful. My heart desires to love deeply, without fear. It desires to trust, to hope, to journey with someone who understands. It desires to be who it's created to be, without judgment. It desires to be held. And in return, my heart desires to love passionately, deeply, recklessly. It wants to "unveil mystery (as John Eldridge puts it)" It desires to blossom for that love. And to return everything wholly.
Now, why might I tell you all this, when it's so deeply personal? Because, that is not the end of the thought process. No, it continued on, continued to go deeper into my heart.
Abba is everything my heart desires. And his call upon my life, no matter who enters or who leaves, is to follow him. And as I do, everything my heart desires will be fulfilled. The deepest desires that blossom and grow inside me, are fulfilled in Abba. He is the perfect romancer. He knows the beats of my heart better than I do. And even more than that, every single day He is telling me he loves me, that he is captivated, that I can trust him, that I rely on him, that he will hold me and up hold me.
And it makes me stand in awe. what else can I do when I'm loved like this?
Everything my heart desires is already being fulfilled. Someday, it will become tangible; someone will fulfill those desires. Until that time, I remain. and remain strong.
After coming to that rather shocking revelation, I just let my thoughts flutter around like butterflies, flying where they wanted to. They didn't rest on questions like, "I wonder when I'll start to date" or "I wonder who I'll get married to". Instead, they flutter around and rested on a chord in my heart, a chord that simply asks, "what does my heart desire most? what does it desperately want?" I don't know if I'm unique, or strange, but often I answer my own questions as I processes. And so my heart began to answer my mind. My heart desires to know it is treasured. My heart wants someone to tell me every single day that I am loved. My heart desires to know that it's captivating and beautiful. My heart desires to love deeply, without fear. It desires to trust, to hope, to journey with someone who understands. It desires to be who it's created to be, without judgment. It desires to be held. And in return, my heart desires to love passionately, deeply, recklessly. It wants to "unveil mystery (as John Eldridge puts it)" It desires to blossom for that love. And to return everything wholly.
Now, why might I tell you all this, when it's so deeply personal? Because, that is not the end of the thought process. No, it continued on, continued to go deeper into my heart.
Abba is everything my heart desires. And his call upon my life, no matter who enters or who leaves, is to follow him. And as I do, everything my heart desires will be fulfilled. The deepest desires that blossom and grow inside me, are fulfilled in Abba. He is the perfect romancer. He knows the beats of my heart better than I do. And even more than that, every single day He is telling me he loves me, that he is captivated, that I can trust him, that I rely on him, that he will hold me and up hold me.
And it makes me stand in awe. what else can I do when I'm loved like this?
Everything my heart desires is already being fulfilled. Someday, it will become tangible; someone will fulfill those desires. Until that time, I remain. and remain strong.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)