Bittersweet describes chocolate, but it also describes growing up pretty well. I mean, there is so much that I'm enjoying and so much I'm looking forward to, in life. But there is a huge part of me that sometimes deeply desires and longs for the care-free, oblivious, wonderful childhood that I knew. And I am well aware of the fact that I had an unusually sweet growing up, but that only makes leaving it harder.
Sometimes, I feel so ready to conquer the world; so ready to begin my, the life that God has called me to, but at other times I feel so small, so little, so insignificant. and then there are times of just feeling plain overwhelmed. So growing up consists of alot more than just some leg pain, it's my life changing, and Abba is teaching me to bend to His will and His plans for me. (but that doesn't always change the fact that I can't see where this is going.)
I'm amazed at the speed at which the human heart can switch emotions though. It's truly amazing ;)
I've been reading Psalms and Proverbs before bed, and I am truly enjoying it. I feel like it doesn't matter how many times I read Psalms, they always speak to me in different ways. My thoughts are with my dear friend, Emily, who is following the call God has placed on her life, and is in her 2nd to final stage of a 6 month DTS. I miss her alot! but I am so very, very proud to have her inspire me! Know where she's been and come from, and knowing the amazing plans God has for her life, makes it bearable to be separated from her for this long.
And my heart is learning to wait. Restlessly, sometimes, but it's learning. I suppose it doesn't have much of a choice, for Abba is teaching me this lesson of actively waiting, but it doesn't mean that my heart catches on right away....:P
So for now, there hasn't been too much to write about, just the little things in my life that are shaping me and transforming me into someone, into something, that is beautiful. Something that is complete. Something that is exactly what Abba wants it to be! And I will hold on to that hope!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
butterflies and things
as a little girl, I always thought butterflies were beautiful, but not something completely awe-inspiring, or captivating. they held a place in life and I remember the joy of watching one flutter by. But recently they have taken on a new meaning to me. Something deeper; more revealing. They reflect a part of my heart that has started to identify with their short lives, and their beautiful flight and their blossoming and blooming process. They have become a symbol of...me. let me explain a little more and tell you a couple things that have really confirmed and encouraged me :)
The very first time that I was compared to a butterfly was by my daddy. Which, by itself, is special to me. But even more so because the time in which it was said was a very intense time. And daddy used it to encourage me that, even though I couldn't see it, he was watching me break out of my cocoon, and become a beautiful butterfly. The person I was created to be. And that I was almost there, that my wings weren't fully out, that you couldn't see the full beauty yet, but it was soon. it was coming. and it was beautiful. And that really stood out to me.
The more I journey into me, and who i am created to be; called to be; chosen to be; destined to be; the more i feel a connection to the life and beauty of the butterfly. The challenge of being nothing, the hardship of being wrapped up and hoping for something more, the pain and fight to breakout, but the joy and beauty and freedom of the first flight.and that first glance in a pond to see the wonderful creation they are. they have come to symbolize where i am, where I've been and where I'm going. And they remind me that this isn't gonna last forever, I'm not always gonna be fight and wait, not knowing if I'm beautiful, or if i can fly, or what the world looks like, it's gonna pass, and when it does, it's gonna be a beautiful thing. It's gonna be beyond words. And i hold onto that hope. Onto that promise.
It was confirmed for me at Christmastime. one of my dear friends gave me a journal all over the cover are butterflies, flying in freedom. and the only word on the cover is this..."Treasured." how very special to me! And then this week, I have been working on Save the Date reminders for my 18th birthday/graduation party and there was a design that i ended up choosing, and on it it has a butterfly kind of blossoming out of flowers! and i just really think that it fits perfectly. I put two different quotes on it, but since everyone reading this (at least everyone subscribed) will get an invite, you'll have to wait and see ;)
So as i wait, i'm remaining. I'm chosing the hard way out. of living and not dying. of letting the battle strengthen me and not destroy me.
The very first time that I was compared to a butterfly was by my daddy. Which, by itself, is special to me. But even more so because the time in which it was said was a very intense time. And daddy used it to encourage me that, even though I couldn't see it, he was watching me break out of my cocoon, and become a beautiful butterfly. The person I was created to be. And that I was almost there, that my wings weren't fully out, that you couldn't see the full beauty yet, but it was soon. it was coming. and it was beautiful. And that really stood out to me.
The more I journey into me, and who i am created to be; called to be; chosen to be; destined to be; the more i feel a connection to the life and beauty of the butterfly. The challenge of being nothing, the hardship of being wrapped up and hoping for something more, the pain and fight to breakout, but the joy and beauty and freedom of the first flight.and that first glance in a pond to see the wonderful creation they are. they have come to symbolize where i am, where I've been and where I'm going. And they remind me that this isn't gonna last forever, I'm not always gonna be fight and wait, not knowing if I'm beautiful, or if i can fly, or what the world looks like, it's gonna pass, and when it does, it's gonna be a beautiful thing. It's gonna be beyond words. And i hold onto that hope. Onto that promise.
It was confirmed for me at Christmastime. one of my dear friends gave me a journal all over the cover are butterflies, flying in freedom. and the only word on the cover is this..."Treasured." how very special to me! And then this week, I have been working on Save the Date reminders for my 18th birthday/graduation party and there was a design that i ended up choosing, and on it it has a butterfly kind of blossoming out of flowers! and i just really think that it fits perfectly. I put two different quotes on it, but since everyone reading this (at least everyone subscribed) will get an invite, you'll have to wait and see ;)
So as i wait, i'm remaining. I'm chosing the hard way out. of living and not dying. of letting the battle strengthen me and not destroy me.
Monday, January 3, 2011
While I have time...:)
Oh my! I was gonna write back sometime 2 weeks ago, and then didn't. And then i was gonna post last week, but didn't. So now, while i have time, I'll post a little something starting with this...
Simeon was my name exchange. I really don't know what all to say except this: as the youngest of five children, he has his own battles to come thru, some of which are a result of his (less than) perfect siblings, but some of which are just sin nature. My littlest brother and I share a strange likeness of personality. Simeon and I are the two who are most outgoing, stubborn, strong-willed and outspoken. When we fight, we fight verbally and emotionally. But we also understand each other in a way that none of the other family does. Often, when we have driven Mom, Dad and Abigail away because of a mood we're in, it's the other one to come and try to bring some sunshine and comfort. As we continue to grow, I'm excited to see what's in store for us. Fighting thru ourselves to get to the other...it's a fight worth fighting. (And because i know he reads this) I love you Simeon! I remember the day you were born. I remember your chubby little checks and being so proud of having another sibling! I know that many times we butt heads, but inside you hold a place that can never be destroyed. You understand me in a different way, and I've no doubt that you would be the first to bale me out of jail if i needed it (not that i would EVER do anything like that ;) ) I would do anything in my power to rescue you and help you. You are so special, never forget that! I love you.
And it's a mere 9 days until I become an adult. funny. i thought you were supposed to be grown up when you were a "grown up"! haha! I guess not! Oh 2011, welcome welcome!
If 2011 is anything like 2010, it's gonna be an amazing year!
And with that, the coffee has finished brewing and I've got places to go and people to see, so i'm gonna log off and post again...later ;)
Simeon was my name exchange. I really don't know what all to say except this: as the youngest of five children, he has his own battles to come thru, some of which are a result of his (less than) perfect siblings, but some of which are just sin nature. My littlest brother and I share a strange likeness of personality. Simeon and I are the two who are most outgoing, stubborn, strong-willed and outspoken. When we fight, we fight verbally and emotionally. But we also understand each other in a way that none of the other family does. Often, when we have driven Mom, Dad and Abigail away because of a mood we're in, it's the other one to come and try to bring some sunshine and comfort. As we continue to grow, I'm excited to see what's in store for us. Fighting thru ourselves to get to the other...it's a fight worth fighting. (And because i know he reads this) I love you Simeon! I remember the day you were born. I remember your chubby little checks and being so proud of having another sibling! I know that many times we butt heads, but inside you hold a place that can never be destroyed. You understand me in a different way, and I've no doubt that you would be the first to bale me out of jail if i needed it (not that i would EVER do anything like that ;) ) I would do anything in my power to rescue you and help you. You are so special, never forget that! I love you.
And it's a mere 9 days until I become an adult. funny. i thought you were supposed to be grown up when you were a "grown up"! haha! I guess not! Oh 2011, welcome welcome!
If 2011 is anything like 2010, it's gonna be an amazing year!
And with that, the coffee has finished brewing and I've got places to go and people to see, so i'm gonna log off and post again...later ;)
Monday, December 20, 2010
IT's COMING!!!!
oh boy! oh boy! i just love Christmastime!! It really hasn't felt very much like Christmas, but i still love this time of year!
The final clue is this...this person holds a place in my heart that no one else every will be able to hold. I am blessed watching him/her mature into the person God has created them to be!
Yesterday...oh boy. Well, it wasn't that great. I mean the morning really was. Church, I sung Breath of Heaven...but the afternoon, it was just a really big test! and I'd like to say i passed with flying colors, but i passed by going to sleep. and letting it all go. and i feel better now. Friends and family keep me grounded! I could tell you song after song after song, of reminders to me from dear friends. Here are some lyrics:
"There are times when you feel that you can't go on.
There are times when you feel like giving in.
There are times when you feel like you can't try anymore.
There are times of trouble in believing
This test of faith will last, as long as it takes to pass.
Till you have no more doubt you'll endure
And your faith will emerge true and pure
No doubt it will all work out..." No Doubt by Petra
"the light at the end has faded away
one terror after another
somewhere in the fire
the embers of faith
will burn through tomorrow
you’re breathing
it’s worth the pain
God’s in the rain
it’s not too late to start again
it’s worth the pain
so hold on tonight
your passionate eyes try to explain
all the blindness you’re feeling
the six feet of lies exposed in His fire
resurrecting your sunrise
you’re breathing
there’s grace
when you’re at your wit’s end
begging for it
He’ll take you by the hand
there’s grace" Worth the Pain by Disciple
And there are so many other songs that people have shared, or that God has had me listen to...too many to count. But this is what's that the bottom of all of them.
There is pain. There is gonna be pain. Pain doesn't mean you're doing something wrong; in fact, you're probably doing something right. At least you haven't closed your heart. You can still feel--even if it's pain. And God is faithful. Always faithful. And I've come back to that again and again. Abba is a faithful God. There will be an end. I promise. I've been there. I am there. but it will end. it always does. Keep pressing on. Keep feeling. Keep living.
I had a really bad day last week, and was venting to God as i ran. And i came to this deep fear that I didn't think i had. A fear so deep down and hidden i wanted to disown it as soon as it surfaced. but this is what i said to God.
"Abba! you've been faithful over and over. and i know you've picked me up again and again. And i know that you've always been with me. but when is this gonna run out?? when are you gonna get sick of picking me up again and again?? When is it gonna be the last time? the time you get so fed up with me acting so selfish?"
"Oh my child. I never will get "fed up" with you. I'm never gonna leave you. I'm never gonna just let you stay on the ground. i promise you this: I am always gonna be here for you. Whatever it takes. However long it takes. I will be here."
Remain Strong my friends. :)
The final clue is this...this person holds a place in my heart that no one else every will be able to hold. I am blessed watching him/her mature into the person God has created them to be!
Yesterday...oh boy. Well, it wasn't that great. I mean the morning really was. Church, I sung Breath of Heaven...but the afternoon, it was just a really big test! and I'd like to say i passed with flying colors, but i passed by going to sleep. and letting it all go. and i feel better now. Friends and family keep me grounded! I could tell you song after song after song, of reminders to me from dear friends. Here are some lyrics:
"There are times when you feel that you can't go on.
There are times when you feel like giving in.
There are times when you feel like you can't try anymore.
There are times of trouble in believing
This test of faith will last, as long as it takes to pass.
Till you have no more doubt you'll endure
And your faith will emerge true and pure
No doubt it will all work out..." No Doubt by Petra
"the light at the end has faded away
one terror after another
somewhere in the fire
the embers of faith
will burn through tomorrow
you’re breathing
it’s worth the pain
God’s in the rain
it’s not too late to start again
it’s worth the pain
so hold on tonight
your passionate eyes try to explain
all the blindness you’re feeling
the six feet of lies exposed in His fire
resurrecting your sunrise
you’re breathing
there’s grace
when you’re at your wit’s end
begging for it
He’ll take you by the hand
there’s grace" Worth the Pain by Disciple
And there are so many other songs that people have shared, or that God has had me listen to...too many to count. But this is what's that the bottom of all of them.
There is pain. There is gonna be pain. Pain doesn't mean you're doing something wrong; in fact, you're probably doing something right. At least you haven't closed your heart. You can still feel--even if it's pain. And God is faithful. Always faithful. And I've come back to that again and again. Abba is a faithful God. There will be an end. I promise. I've been there. I am there. but it will end. it always does. Keep pressing on. Keep feeling. Keep living.
I had a really bad day last week, and was venting to God as i ran. And i came to this deep fear that I didn't think i had. A fear so deep down and hidden i wanted to disown it as soon as it surfaced. but this is what i said to God.
"Abba! you've been faithful over and over. and i know you've picked me up again and again. And i know that you've always been with me. but when is this gonna run out?? when are you gonna get sick of picking me up again and again?? When is it gonna be the last time? the time you get so fed up with me acting so selfish?"
"Oh my child. I never will get "fed up" with you. I'm never gonna leave you. I'm never gonna just let you stay on the ground. i promise you this: I am always gonna be here for you. Whatever it takes. However long it takes. I will be here."
Remain Strong my friends. :)
Monday, December 13, 2010
"If God brings you to it, He'll bring you thru it."
Abba is faithful. Always.
I am reminded of a song that says, "You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again. I'm holding your hand."
And He always is. What an awesome God we serve! I mean really, how can we not be amazed at the glory of God?!?!
Yesterday, in church, I was reading Isaiah 55:8-12:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish... so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace..."
It is just an awesome reminder of the love of my father! Which is abundant, and overflowing! I don't have to understand. And really if I was in control it wouldn't be as good. So just relax. Enjoy! God is in control. And his thoughts and plans are way better than mine!
Dare. To. Dream. Big!
P.S. oh yah. I guess you want another clue...:P
Clue #3--This person is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
I am reminded of a song that says, "You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again. I'm holding your hand."
And He always is. What an awesome God we serve! I mean really, how can we not be amazed at the glory of God?!?!
Yesterday, in church, I was reading Isaiah 55:8-12:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish... so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace..."
It is just an awesome reminder of the love of my father! Which is abundant, and overflowing! I don't have to understand. And really if I was in control it wouldn't be as good. So just relax. Enjoy! God is in control. And his thoughts and plans are way better than mine!
Dare. To. Dream. Big!
P.S. oh yah. I guess you want another clue...:P
Clue #3--This person is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
clue #2
this person isn't the youngest member of our family...
And i know this really doesn't have anything to do with christmas but..
I love my Miss Mollie Rose. i think about how much she has improved from the first time we got her! She used to whine multiple times in the night, and had lots of "accidents" in the house, and need attention and love all the time. She could go up or down stairs. She didn't listen that well. Now she sleeps in my room, she makes me laugh all the time, she goes the the door when she needs to potty. she still loves attention, but is much better at just laying down near us (instead of ON TOP OF US!) she loves going up and down the stairs (and we sometimes make her for a nice little work out). She sleeps thru the night. she loves spending time with me even if she's just in the hall while i get ready for church. She does the cutest things. I am so thankful that I have my little doggie! She truly is a joy in my life! and she understands me! (really! she does!)
And i know this really doesn't have anything to do with christmas but..
I love my Miss Mollie Rose. i think about how much she has improved from the first time we got her! She used to whine multiple times in the night, and had lots of "accidents" in the house, and need attention and love all the time. She could go up or down stairs. She didn't listen that well. Now she sleeps in my room, she makes me laugh all the time, she goes the the door when she needs to potty. she still loves attention, but is much better at just laying down near us (instead of ON TOP OF US!) she loves going up and down the stairs (and we sometimes make her for a nice little work out). She sleeps thru the night. she loves spending time with me even if she's just in the hall while i get ready for church. She does the cutest things. I am so thankful that I have my little doggie! She truly is a joy in my life! and she understands me! (really! she does!)
Monday, December 6, 2010
it's beinging to look a lot like christmas :D
IT'S DECEMBER!!! and our tradition is to draw names between the five of us kids. guess who i got?!? let's play a guessing game. Clue #1--it's not me ;)
Christmas is on it's way! I really can't believe it. I seems like only a few months ago that I was here again. As i looked thru my journal from last year, I was reading about how the story of Mary really effected me last year. It's such a glorified position; the mother of the savior. And yet, Mary was probably not any older than me (in fact she was probably younger) and she didn't have great living conditions. And to surrender to the plans that God had for her, meant that she became an outcast among her friends. Among the things and people and places that were her home, her security, her life. We can easily see the whole story; how if she submitted, she would play a major role in the redemption of the world. That everything would work out. That she would marry Joseph. No, I really don't think that she could see where this was going. She probably saw her life flash before her eyes! I mean, this random angel appearing is was like, "yo! Mary! God wants you for his plans. you've been chosen by god to become the mother of his son!"
"Ah....you know what the penalty for this is?!?!?! death by stoning!! I have no husband to provide for me! And if i become the mother of a son that i say is God's son, people are gonna think I'm crazy, and no man will have me as his wife!...sounds like a plan! I'm in! I'll do it!"
I mean, the nerve of this young lady! She completely shook the status quo! God didn't drag her kicking and screaming into his plans, he gave her the choice, and she said "yes."that's it. and then she just had to trust. God knew how it was gonna turn out. but did she know? I doubt it. I bet it was really difficult. but she stood but against it because she knew this was her calling. it was something God asked her to do. And she knew that all she had to do was trust. that was it. trust. and she was blessed. she held the savior of the world as a baby! And the plan that God laid out upon her life included pain, physical but also mental pain. she watched her baby die on a tree. but she still followed. she still trusted. and she knew what was at risk when she said yes. but she did.
It just amazes me. The stakes were high. The battle was hard. The dark was so black. The condemnation was pressing. and yet she dared to follow the plan, she dared to just say "yes."
We don't have to see, to trust. We don't have to understand, to trust. We don't have to hear, to trust. We don't have to feel, to trust. We don't have to control it, to trust. We don't have to "work it all out", to trust. We don't have to fully believe that it will work out, to trust. We don't have to see the end, to trust. But we have to trust. Trust. Believe that God will work it out. Hope for the best. Dare to dream big. Dare to go against the norm. Dare to go against the flow. Dare to shake things up. Trust. Doing what's our calling is blindly, and when it doesn't feel good, and when it hurts, and persevering, and not understanding, and being in the pitch black, and NOT KNOWING. that's not our job. it's not my job. and my job isn't dependent on that. my job is to trust that God will work all things out for my good. and to press on toward the goal. and to believe that there is something way bigger than me, way bigger that i can dream for, planned for me. Just Trust.
"Forget the fear, it's just a crutch. that tries to hold you back and turn your dreams to dust. all you have to do is just....TRUST." [fireflight]
Christmas is on it's way! I really can't believe it. I seems like only a few months ago that I was here again. As i looked thru my journal from last year, I was reading about how the story of Mary really effected me last year. It's such a glorified position; the mother of the savior. And yet, Mary was probably not any older than me (in fact she was probably younger) and she didn't have great living conditions. And to surrender to the plans that God had for her, meant that she became an outcast among her friends. Among the things and people and places that were her home, her security, her life. We can easily see the whole story; how if she submitted, she would play a major role in the redemption of the world. That everything would work out. That she would marry Joseph. No, I really don't think that she could see where this was going. She probably saw her life flash before her eyes! I mean, this random angel appearing is was like, "yo! Mary! God wants you for his plans. you've been chosen by god to become the mother of his son!"
"Ah....you know what the penalty for this is?!?!?! death by stoning!! I have no husband to provide for me! And if i become the mother of a son that i say is God's son, people are gonna think I'm crazy, and no man will have me as his wife!...sounds like a plan! I'm in! I'll do it!"
I mean, the nerve of this young lady! She completely shook the status quo! God didn't drag her kicking and screaming into his plans, he gave her the choice, and she said "yes."that's it. and then she just had to trust. God knew how it was gonna turn out. but did she know? I doubt it. I bet it was really difficult. but she stood but against it because she knew this was her calling. it was something God asked her to do. And she knew that all she had to do was trust. that was it. trust. and she was blessed. she held the savior of the world as a baby! And the plan that God laid out upon her life included pain, physical but also mental pain. she watched her baby die on a tree. but she still followed. she still trusted. and she knew what was at risk when she said yes. but she did.
It just amazes me. The stakes were high. The battle was hard. The dark was so black. The condemnation was pressing. and yet she dared to follow the plan, she dared to just say "yes."
We don't have to see, to trust. We don't have to understand, to trust. We don't have to hear, to trust. We don't have to feel, to trust. We don't have to control it, to trust. We don't have to "work it all out", to trust. We don't have to fully believe that it will work out, to trust. We don't have to see the end, to trust. But we have to trust. Trust. Believe that God will work it out. Hope for the best. Dare to dream big. Dare to go against the norm. Dare to go against the flow. Dare to shake things up. Trust. Doing what's our calling is blindly, and when it doesn't feel good, and when it hurts, and persevering, and not understanding, and being in the pitch black, and NOT KNOWING. that's not our job. it's not my job. and my job isn't dependent on that. my job is to trust that God will work all things out for my good. and to press on toward the goal. and to believe that there is something way bigger than me, way bigger that i can dream for, planned for me. Just Trust.
"Forget the fear, it's just a crutch. that tries to hold you back and turn your dreams to dust. all you have to do is just....TRUST." [fireflight]
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