so...

Alot has been going on. but i don't have anything to write about. is that weird?

actually, it's more like, I don't know how to write down everything that I've been processing.

Yesterday i was told i didn't have a job anymore. Yesterday i had an amazing conversation with a friend. :D (you know who you are ;) ) but that also made me think. Yesterday I fell in love....i heard what you're thinking..."WHAT?!?!? is this even the same person that i thought was writing this blog?!?!? You fell in love?!?! :O" Before you send me all kinds of messages about it, i didn't fall in love in a romantic way. I learned to fall in love truly. enough to let go. enough to care. enough to become vulnerable. enough to love truly. Does that make sense? God taught me to fall into love. falling into love is very different than falling in love.

needless to say, my emotions are up and down and all around. but it's OK. this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Maybe when i figure out a little more what's what, I'll post ;)

When the heart cries.

Unwanted and thrown away the life and breath are robbed of an unborn baby; as they cry without noise. It's then my heart cries.
Empty arms of a mother who has waited and longed. Empty, hopeless heart, as her little one slipped away. Not even a picture to save. It's then my heart cries.
A child laying on their bed, afraid of the dark, afraid of the fights, afraid of the dark nights. It's then my heart cries.
Sitting on the bathroom floor, once again, once more, secrets inside, she can no longer see me in her eyes. It's then my heart cries.
When beauty becomes a mask for the pain and hurt. Denying to see. It's then my heart cries.
Threatening to take the life that I've given, the life that i prize. It's then my heart cries.
when you no longer believe in the purpose the destiny you have. It's then my heart cries.
Looking around, the hurt, the pain of the world. It's then my heart cries.
For the little ones, half way across the world, unknown to me who have never known what it is to not be hungry. It's then my heart cries.
When the cancer spreads, you're tired and worn out; ready to surrender. It's then my heart cries.
For the children who've lost more than should be allowed. walking without a daddy to hug them; a mother to nurture them. It's then my heart cries.
The broken heart, once again. searching for the love it never knew. and when it's taped together and tries again, only to be shattered once more. It's then my heart cries.
When you can't see me in your eyes. It's then my heart cries.
When you don't believe that i hear. It's then my heart cries.
I am not a passive God. I am not a God who is faithless. I will seek out your accusers. I will bring judgement. I will bring revenge. I am holy. I am mighty. I am who I am. I was. I will be. I am always here; everywhere. When you stand, you won't be alone. You ask me to never leave, as you cry because of the pain. My child, don't you know, you had that promise since before you were born.
To some I have given my voice to speak. to heal.
To some i have given my wisdom to learn. to encourage.
To some i have given my ears to hear. to listen. to help
And to some i have given my heart, to bleed. To cry. To feel.
I am coming. I will come.
Let your heart cry. Let it bleed. Let it feel. let me heal. You. and others thru you.
My heart cries when the orphan finds a home.
My heart cries when in your darkest night you find my light.
My heart cries when You open your eyes and chose to see everything that you're meant to be.
I cry for joy, not just for pain. I cry because i love you. I am a jealous God. I am a passionate lover. I am relentless. I am who I am.

My heart cries. My heart heals. My heart is everything that you need. Everything you are meant to be. Come to me. Come to my heart. Come. Come. Come.


{his is still in progress, but i thought you might be interested...:)}

{enter title that fits here ;)]

Wow. Since i last wrote everything has been just fine and dandy...not :P

I wish i could say that is a true statement, but it's not. Everything hasn't been OK. After i led worship on Tuesday at youth cell, i led worship at our cell group (on Wednesdays) OK so Thursday...It was really rainy and yucky out, and that just reflected my mood perfectly. I felt really...oppressed. I'm not sure if that's the right word. But i felt like i was walking around in a thunder cloud. I'm familiar to what that feels like, I lived in it for a season, but i didn't like it coming back. I didn't understand why, all the sudden, i felt like this again...

DING!! The realization hit me. What I did on Tuesday and Wednesday wasn't appreciated my my enemy. and he engaged me into battle once again.


I don't really have all this figured out, but I know this...The victory is worth the battle. Because the victory has been won by Jesus. I could chose not to walk into situations that set me up for the battle again, but that's not what I've been asked to do. I'll walk in what I'm chosen and called for, because i know anything that comes afterwards will be worth the pain.

So stay strong. Stand strong. The victory is worth the pain.

"It's gonna be worth it. It's gonna be worth it. It's gonna be worth it all..."

Stay with me. please.

Tuesday morning i was out on my run. Enjoy moving and breathing and listening to my music. Loving letting my mind rest as my spirit comunicated with my Abba thru silent words. And my mind was thinking over the worship songs that i had chosen for youth group that eveing (i was leading :) ) To say i "heard" God tell me something, would be false, but God placed an impression that He wanted to do something big, something new, something different with my worship that evening. I sensed that He wanted me to be open, because He wanted to move. I even felt that He wanted me to share something. So my super spiritual response was this,
"Ok. I'll just plan out something good to say. think...."
"No, Lis. Don't plan this out. I want to speak. Will you be my voice?"

I felt like this was true, that i wasn't just making this up, so i called Carl to ask if he would be open to this. Open to the fact that God might move. I didn't say would (i'm still learning to trust His voice)

Alright, skip ahead to dinner time. All the sudden, everything was wrong! I felt this surge of...i'm not sure...a surge of bad emotions. failure. defeat. depression. anxiety. Feelings that were once so familar to me, but hadn't been around for a long time. They all came surging back. But i didn't really face them. I just ate dinner and rushed off to get to youth group. But then i realized. "I don't wanna do this Abba! I'm scared. Those feelings only signaled the fact that i'm engaging in a spirital war (again). And that whatever was about to happen, whatever God had, was right." But this was my heart cry, "I don't want to do this alone !" "elisabeth, you've told me before that same thing. My reply then was 'i will never leave you.' It hasn't changed now. I am with you. I will be with you. Always. Forever."

Tuesday evening was better than i could have every planned. Abba was welcome, and He came.

If anyone has looked outside today, you'll realize it's raining. Only the perfect symbol for my life since Tuesday night. With victory and joy, usually comes warfare taken up against us my one who hates us and the plans for us.

Last night I was telling God, "I'm so tired! I'm tired of walking thru the fire. I'm tired of having to fight! I'm tired of all this!" So Abba talked to me and listened to me, and i am renewed to fight. But only if Abba won't leave. And he promised me he wouldn't. So i'm remaining strong. Right now, I don't feel the joy, but i know that it's still there. It will return. For now, I just have to remain. I just have to stand in it and live in it, but never alone. With Abba, My Savior!

And the other day, I woke up to this song on the radio!

Je Suis Jolie

I. Am. Beautiful.

Now before you think i'm all full of myself, I want you to get up go to the nearest mirror and say these words, "I am beautiful."

Recently, Abba has been placing on my heart this truth: that HE made me beautiful. He is the beautiful one, and I am created in his image. God recently challenged me, "Lis, when you look in the mirror, into your eyes, do you know that you're looking into my heart? Do you know that i created you perfectly? I don't make mistakes and i wasn't gonna start with you. You are exactly who i wanted you to be. I chose you. I destined you. I am shaping you. I have called you. Live it! You. Are. Beautiful. Whose voice will you allow to be louder? The media, who you can never satisfy, or me?"

You remember the saying, "if you don't suceed the first time, try and try again?" Yah, that's been me over the past week or so. "Ugh...breakout, bad hair day, yucky. Wait...Abba made me beautiful. But like this?..." "Lis, I think you look beautiful today." "Umm...God, have you seen me this morning? I look awful." "No. You are beautiful!" I've struggled for so long against this. trying to satisfy the media, but never measuring up. And while I still can't fully believe that I am beautiful, it's begining to become reality. And sometimes God asks me to believe without seeing. He askes me just to walk in it. Just to say it to myself when i don't feel like i measure up. Just to KNOW, not even believe that i am beautiful to him.

And a dear friend sent me this last week....

And i decided...

finally! I found a name that fits! and i love it! {but that can be a story for later.}

I love writing {i don't always have much time ;) } But I do love to. And i started thinking to myself, after i finished one of my journals, "you know, some of the stuff i write i wanna share! i don't just want it to sit in my journal and never do anything! If i am struggling, or if I'm encouraged, then probably someone else is too!"

So i figured I'd make a blog. I can write on here some of what God shows me {in all my wisdom ;) }

So enjoy taking a peek into my life, sometimes into my heart, and into my writings!