October is approaching, and with that the colors of fall are beginning to show their faces again. The wind is cooling down, and the apples are at peak yumminess! And I am choosing to savor this time. Yes, I'm choosing to look around and remember the greatness of God, shown to me through the beauty of the changing trees.

Life is crazy. It's stressful, overwhelming, tiring, and, yet, I'm still standing; I'm finding my stride. I read through some of my journal entries from right before college started and they remind me and give me hope and strength to continue even through the toughest days.

I'm still learning a lot about everything. I'm still discovering more about me. and that. is. good.

Consumed

College started this past Monday, a mere 4 days ago. All I can say is this: I'm still standing, I'm still breathing, and I still believe in God.
No, honestly, college is...good...I think. It's very different and right now I still feel like i'm in survival mode, but my parents are my rock through this. Right now, it's their encouragement that gets me through. The first two days of college, actually, the orientation (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday), the weekend, and then, the first two days of college, it was honestly like everything broke inside me...basically, I cried more those days than I have in the past five months. But...I made it. And here I am. And here God is. In the midst...

...And He is calling, asking to be allowed to consume my life to the point that everything I say and do is saturated with his love, his covering, his joy, his strength; Him. And He doesn't want the 10 minutes a day. He wants me to let him into EVERYTHING I do. He wants to come with me when I'm driving. He wants to be the one sitting with me in class. When I start to feel panic rising in my heart during the lecture, He wants me to talk to him about it...right then. He wants to be with me on my run. He wants to consume me. To show me and teach me how to journey deeper, even in this new phase. Not just the "dedicated" time.

Stay Strong...Remaining Strong.

My Heart's Desire

Today, as I was pondering my life and processing through where I am, I had a thought that made me halt my thinking, rewind, and pause again to gaze curiously at this new revelation. It boiled down the the fact that I am standing in the coming-of-age chapter of life that I, at one time, could only imagine.
After coming to that rather shocking revelation, I just let my thoughts flutter around like butterflies, flying where they wanted to. They didn't rest on questions like, "I wonder when I'll start to date" or "I wonder who I'll get married to". Instead, they flutter around and rested on a chord in my heart, a chord that simply asks, "what does my heart desire most? what does it desperately want?" I don't know if I'm unique, or strange, but often I answer my own questions as I processes. And so my heart began to answer my mind. My heart desires to know it is treasured. My heart wants someone to tell me every single day that I am loved. My heart desires to know that it's captivating and beautiful. My heart desires to love deeply, without fear. It desires to trust, to hope, to journey with someone who understands. It desires to be who it's created to be, without judgment. It desires to be held. And in return, my heart desires to love passionately, deeply, recklessly. It wants to "unveil mystery (as John Eldridge puts it)" It desires to blossom for that love. And to return everything wholly.
Now, why might I tell you all this, when it's so deeply personal? Because, that is not the end of the thought process. No, it continued on, continued to go deeper into my heart.

Abba is everything my heart desires. And his call upon my life, no matter who enters or who leaves, is to follow him. And as I do, everything my heart desires will be fulfilled. The deepest desires that blossom and grow inside me, are fulfilled in Abba. He is the perfect romancer. He knows the beats of my heart better than I do. And even more than that, every single day He is telling me he loves me, that he is captivated, that I can trust him, that I rely on him, that he will hold me and up hold me.

And it makes me stand in awe. what else can I do when I'm loved like this?

Everything my heart desires is already being fulfilled. Someday, it will become tangible; someone will fulfill those desires. Until that time, I remain. and remain strong.

...Love is strong as death, As fierce as the grave. Many waters cannnot quench this love...

Recently i was walking in a rainstorm, it was absolutely beautiful! There's just something about walking in the rain; it's almost like you're dancing to the melody of a thousand tears--sometimes the pour forth because of great joy, and other times they flood the earth because of pain, anger or total sadness. This time, it was raining joy, love, peace...yes, mostly peace. It's in the rain that i feel so close to Abba. Not many cars are on the road, not many people are out walking. There's no hustle and bustle that usually occurs in a town. It's still. And i take off my shoes and walk in the middle of the street, on the yellow lines, lift my arms and spin. And let go of the worries, of the pain, of the frustration that comes from being alive. I let it go, if only for a short time, to dance, to be alive, to be free, to let my heart be romanced. Rain is a love letter to my heart. It holds a place that speaks into my very being. I don't know why, it just does. It's one of the things that make me feel so alive. As i was walking, I realized that it's my dream to someday share my rain walks with somebody else. And someday, that will come. Someday, someday, someday...And what a wonderful story it will be. But it would be so silly for me to sit in the window and watch the rain, just waiting for someone to come and walk with me. That's not me! I'm gonna go and enjoy, to the fullest, and walk in the rain with my Jesus. for now.

The day that we stop realizing and enjoying the little things, is the day we start to die-a little inside. Oh, it can wake up again, but i am determined that going to college, working, running, whatever it is i'm doing, cannot consume me to the point that i start to die...I've only just begun to live, why would i want to die again? What is it that makes your spirit sing? even if it's just taking 2 minutes to watch a tree sway in the wind, or sipping a cup of coffee outside, or laughing. whatever it is, do it. live life. this isn't home, the things that romance our hearts are just a shadow of Home, but what a wonderful taste; what a wonderful reminder of what is to come. and what a blessing to know that our hearts are being romanced by the Creator so that life, however temporary, is so full of love, of joy, of hope.

Remain Strong.

Thunderstorms, Epic Music and Springtime

Wow. I totally, and truly, love springtime! The vivid colors, the thunderstorms, the smell of wet earth, the sound of birds singing again, does it get any better???

I really think the reason I love spring so much is 'cuz it follows winter. It's the proof of the hope that I've clung to on the coldest, darkest days in January; and it parallels the walk of a christian--it's like proof that the light will come, that something better is gonna come. :)

I was officially accepted into Millersville University for the Fall 2010 semester. Majoring in music, focus in Voice Performance. It's amazing to me how quickly it happened (3 weeks, applied, accepted, auditioned and accepted into the music college) and i'm PUMPED!! I've been getting alot of questions like, "well what do you plan to do with that degree??" guess what? i don't know. private lessons? performing? i don't know. What i do know is that, if God wants this to be my next step, who am i to say no? I know he'll provide (and he knows that he's gotta come thru). But just in taking that step. daring to believe in myself enough. listening to the call, and follow thru, I've won victory. I charged into a realm that before I decided I wasn't good enough to go into. But now, now i know, I'm a child of the light. I carry that with me. I walk with dignity, integrity, honor, poise. I am loved by my maker. I hold my head high, my shoulders back, tall, upright, and I carry myself as a princess, i carry myself with confidence. It wasn't about passing or failing the audition. It was about daring. daring to believe. daring to try. God wasn't asking me to judge myself on /they're/ ratings, it was about my heart. And i won. :)

There's still so much i'm learning, day to day, week to week, even minute by minute, but here's the thing, deep inside my heart, it's found joy. Joy that refuses to let go, even for a minute. Joy that remains even in the darkest night. And the top most part of my heart, the surface part that controls my face and emotions, that's found true joy too! In between, well, let's just say, that's the part I have to tell, "remain strong. remain strong. it's worth the pain." Clinging to hope, fighting for truth, daring to believe.

Redemption vs. Regret

...There are so many places i could start...there are so many things i could say...there's so much i could ramble on about...there's so many words, and thought and feelings, but i'm gonna try, notice /try/ to give an update on something really close to my heart recently...so hold on, get the popcorn, and read away...:P

This past month...wow. Can i just say, nope. i can't. i don't even know how to sum it all up. lol. I've been working (which is such a blessing...besides the money provision, it's been so good! the lesson's i've learned [how to work with...ahem...different...kinds of employers, to just giving my mind a track to run on] it's just been a blessing....) two part time jobs. But inside, personally, alot has been going on. In my heart, in my head, in my spirit. I've really learned something; there /is/ healing in pain. This past month i've had to face some pain that i didn't really think i was gonna have to face for awhile. I thought that i had pretty well established that i /wasn't/ ready. but you know god, he has different plans. and i guess he decided that /now/ was a fine time for me to learn. So, thus began another part of my journey. and i felt strongly at the beginning of this that i had two options; I could close my heart, deny, avoid, and run away. Or i could remain open, vulnerable, and fully alive, fully living from my true heart. But i had to decided. and that was the line. What i decided would change things. I couldn't not decided. and i chose...I chose to remain open, knowing that that would bring pain, but knowing that the other way, i just couldn't go back there again...And with that knowledge, abba began...

Because of the lack of personal touch that this lovely Internet gives us, i'm not gonna go into details, besides it would take me f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to write a month's worth of processing, but i really wanna blog about redemption...

At one point, i was talking to God about some decisions i had made. and i was saying, "Abba, this regret is such a different emotion for me. I've never really lived in regret. I've always seen the redemption." Well, God (what does he think he is? almighty or something? :P) told me this, "Lis, that's becuz you could /see/ it. you were either looking in hind-sight, or you could see the big picture...so, just becuz you can't /see/ it now, does that mean you're just gonna stop believing in the redemption? Or are you gonna /trust/ that it is coming. that restoration and redemption is coming?"
Well, yah, i suppose that makes sense. no wonder i didn't feel like myself...ok. so i'll just stop regretting...that's a choice. it is. But a choice that i made. and it's soooo freeing. Redemption is coming. I know that. But that means that i can't live in regret anymore. I can't have both. I had to decide. And i chose redemption. and i still choose redemption. I can't see all the picture. i can't even guess at what restoration will look like. but it's that hope. that trust. and that's been on my heart alot lately. to trust. to hope. to believe. to keep standing.

Where have my friends been thru all this? What can i say? they all walked away...:P No! I don't think i could be standing without my friends. time and time again they have proven themselves to get my back, to walk beside, to encourage me, to help me stand, even to carry me, in times like these. and i am beyond grateful. I'm dumbfounded. I know full well that they could have walked away, and at times, i wouldn't have blamed them...but they didn't only stay. they drew closer. And, wow, i have amazing friends! :D

So, it's past my bedtime, and i need to go...I know this post probably doesn't make much sense, but you can just get together with me sometime...we can talk then...;)

Remain. "The shadows prove the sunshine..."

(out of ideas for the title)

Wow. There has been so much going on lately. Working two part time jobs is exhausting and yet fulfilling in a very different and unique way.

This past week has been very odd, especially in the ways of my heart. My heart hasn't felt this alive in, hum....,forever? It's a strange and wonderful feeling, just to soak in the joy of a heart fully alive. Oh, it's not there yet, but there is a deep, deep place in my heart that only music and my Abba can touch. I imagine that when people talk of "being in love" a deep part of their heart comes alive like this, but for now, it's gonna stay gated off--closed--just for me and abba. well, and music. music stirs my heart in a deep, intense, passionate way that nothing else does. except god. and sometimes writing. and sometimes running. or dancing. or swinging. or walking in the rain. or sometimes...ok. but in this deep way, it's new. it's amazing. But I once read that with the opportunity for a heart fully alive, comes the opportunity for great pain. and i think that that is so true. Cuz in many ways this week has had this weird two layer sort of thing going on. the bottom layer is achy, but the over layer is this true joy. and true happiness. like the laughter and smiles, those haven't been fake or forced. they have truly been real. so it's kind of an odd place to be, but it's good.

so life keeps plugging along, and i've decided that the joy of a heart fully alive, is worth the pain that comes. so even when it's hard, i've been working to remain. in spite of the pain. becuz i've tasted the victory. i know that there will be an end. Remain strong!